


Pictures of You

by Hidge



Category: Archie Comics & Related Fandoms, Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, F/F, Family Secrets, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Jughead Jones & Toni Topaz Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Mild Sexual Content, Moving On, Photographer Toni, Sibling Love, Southside Serpent Family, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 02:40:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16610333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hidge/pseuds/Hidge
Summary: Toni Topaz had been through a lot of rough things in her young life.When she had finally stopped expecting the universe to throw its worst at her, she found herself a widow at the age of 25.A fic about love, loss, and living.





	1. Part I - Trypophobic

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by the Elizabeth Olsen, Facebook Watch drama Sorry For Your Loss. Check it out.
> 
> This is my first Choni story so please be kind! :)
> 
> Chapter song: Trypophobic - Clare Follett.
> 
> Trypophobia - an aversion to the sight of irregular patterns or clusters of small holes.

**Part I – Trypophobic**

_Friday, I woke up and you didn’t  
And Monday, I needed you more than I ever did _

__

__

_There’s a hole where my heart once was, there’s a hole ‘cause my spirit’s gone_  
_There are holes in my memories of the good days that always ended too quickly_  
_There’s a big hole where you belong_

 

Toni rolled over with a groan and pressed her face into the pillow beneath her. She was doing her very best to ignore the determined, incessant pounding on her trailer door, but even she couldn’t sleep through this racket. She groaned, louder and with much irritation, as she sat up and threw all of the bed clothes off of her petite body. She practically stomped to the living room and yanked on the screen door with more force than necessary.

“What?” She barked.

She was certainly proud of herself that even at her small stature, with her hair dishevelled and in just an oversized t-shirt, she was able to sound and look intimidating.

Jughead Jones, her best friend, didn’t recoil at her tone or snap back. He just stared back at her with a slight frown and appraised her appearance in a way that was more caring than judgemental. 

He had to be used to her new normal by now.

He held up a white paper bag from Pop’s and that was enough to admit him entry. He followed her into the small home slowly, cautiously, and she appreciated that he did not verbally acknowledge the mess – dirty dishes had piled up on the counter, items of clothing were tossed haphazardly across the living room furniture, and there were enough empty liquor bottles scattered around to put Jughead’s father and her uncle to shame. He pushed a few things off of the coffee table to create some space and tossed one of her old hoodies aside so that he could sit on the sofa.

After she turned on her coffee pot, she looked over her shoulder to watch Jughead take two burgers out of the takeout bag. It wasn’t even ten o’clock in the morning; she couldn’t remember the last time that she actually ate a meal, and Jughead was an insomniac so she wasn’t about to complain about the interesting choice in breakfast foods.

She didn’t ask if he wanted a coffee, she knew what the answer would be. She took two mugs down from the cupboard and prepared two coffees, black for Jughead and one milk and one sugar for herself.

She carried the coffees into the living room and sat down beside him. He accepted the mug with a smile and she dug into the burger without a word.

For Jughead, food, especially from Pop’s, was comfort and childhood happiness, so she knew that bringing her two burgers meant a hell of a lot more than just making sure that she was fed.

“Thanks Jug,” she finally murmured.

“Don’t mention it.”

They ate in silence, and it was comfortable. People just kept asking her how she was doing, like the answer wasn’t obvious, and she just needed a minute to not think about it. Jughead got that. They had always had an easy, low maintenance friendship. Since his Serpent initiation, their foundation was built more on pointed glances and short, meaningful sentences rather than long, rambling conversations with forced niceties. She knew how to calm him when he was feeling particularly riled up, and he knew when she needed someone and when she needed space.

Jughead was good with words but he always knew when they weren’t needed.

She finished her burger as the morning sun pierced through the blinds and painted shadows along the walls. 

Toni had always loved mornings. As a teenager she would sneak out of the trailer, careful not to wake her uncle, and take long rides on her motorcycle. She would often end up at Sweetwater River where she would watch the sun come up and take pictures of the way the early morning sun moved through the trees and along the water. Riverdale was beautiful like that – silent and lonely in the early mornings.

A few years later, her mornings were just as beautiful, but far from lonely.

 

_“Hey, sleepy head,” Toni chuckled as she tickled the feet poking out through the layers of bedclothes. “It’s time to get out of bed.”_

_“No,” her girlfriend giggled. She threw the sheets over her head and tried to squirm out of the firm grasp around her ankles. “You promised,” she whined._

_Toni laughed as she slid into the bed and wrapped herself around her petulant girlfriend. She pressed her mouth against her ear and murmured, “I lied. You need to get up and get ready. We have plans to go to brunch with Jughead and Betty, remember? You love brunch,” she added, trying to coax her sleeping beauty out of bed._

_The girl, taller, with paler skin and darker eyes, tossed the blankets aside dramatically and turned her head so that she could look up at Toni with a grin and a playfully arched eyebrow. “What exactly do you mean by get ready?”_

_Toni’s eyes widened and she hesitated for just a moment before she responded. “I mean that you are already so beautiful that all you really need is five minutes to put on clothes.”_

_The redhead smiled, big and bright, and wrapped her arms around the smaller girl’s neck. “That’s better. Now give me my good morning kiss.”_

 

Jughead broke the silence after he deposited all of the greasy wrappers in the trash. “Do you work tonight?”

Toni shifted on the couch and tucked her legs up underneath her as she cradled her mug with both hands. “Yup, ten ‘til close.”

He just nodded as he began to clean up the kitchen, not so much that it was entirely obvious but enough that Toni recognized exactly what he was doing. But she didn’t stop him.

“I started writing again,” he stated as he filled the sink with soap and water.

Her eyebrow arched in interest. “Yeah?” Jughead’s writer’s block was a well-known, unspoken fact amongst their friend group. As a published novelist it was a sore subject for him, and one that they only broached when he did.

He nodded again before he explained. “Yeah, I’ve just been writing nonstop lately. Barely sleeping. It’s driving Betty nuts,” he chuckled. “But I can’t let this clarity pass. It’s like these past couple months, with everything so dark and senseless and gut-wrenching, I’ve needed to write in order to process everything.”

Toni gnashed her teeth together before she responded slowly. “So what you’re saying is that my wife dying really inspired you?”

Jughead turned to her with wide, deeply apologetic eyes. “Toni…I, shit…that’s not what I meant.”

She rolled her eyes as she got to her feet. “Except it kinda is.” She passed him and headed for the solitude of her bedroom. “Thanks for the food, Jug,” she murmured as she closed the door. 

She flopped onto the lumpy mattress and stared at the ceiling. It was several minutes before she heard him leave, he probably finished doing the stupid dishes. 

She was angry at Jughead, obviously; what a stupid, inconsiderate thing to say, but she was also a little envious. She couldn’t even remember the last photograph that she had taken. She knew that she had unreturned messages from the gallery on her phone, but she just couldn’t bring herself to care all that much. And before… _before_ , she had actually been making good money off of her pictures. She had finally reached a point where she was doing what she loved and getting paid for it, and now she was just back to depending on her bartending gig at the Whyte Wyrm.

She was definitely not inspired.

She just hurt, all the time.

Her boys – Jughead, Sweet Pea, Fangs, Joaquin – had all been so good to her in their own unique ways. But she was used to taking care of them, not being the one who needed to be cared for. She was used to spending time with Jughead when he was brooding about writing or Betty. She cleaned up Sweet Pea and Joaquin’s cuts and bruises when their impulses got the better of them. She had stood by Fangs’ side and supported him when he had been struggling with his sexuality, and now she was his confidant when it came to boys. She had always been strong and stable, and now she wasn’t.

People expected her to be that person again. That same old Toni who was brash, honest, fearless, unwaveringly loyal, and even-tempered. Except she wasn’t that person anymore, and she couldn’t be just because everyone around her wanted her to pull herself up by her bootstraps and move on. She couldn’t be “over it” just because everyone else was.

That’s not how deep, all-consuming love works.

If anyone really understood that then they would leave her the hell alone. 

She went back to bed, and then she tossed and turned until it was time to get ready for her shift. She showered and dried her hair. She put on her favourite black leather pants, because _she_ used to borrow them, and a black tank top with a grey flannel. A dusting of makeup made her feel less like a zombie, and she grabbed her Serpent jacket to complete the look as she walked out the door. Even though most of the customers would have known her since she was a baby, she still wanted to look reasonably presentable for the tips from out-of-towners.

That night at the Whyte Wyrm was just like any other. She served Serpents, a few Northsiders that didn’t want to be seen away from their wives by anyone they knew, and some frat boys that liked the thought of going to a biker gang’s bar. Tending bar was monotonous and predictable, but last call came surprisingly quickly. At closing time, she wiped down the bar and took a seat on a stool on the other side, like a patron. The last few customers, young Serpents that Toni didn’t know all that well, left without a fuss and then it was just her and a bottle of whiskey.

“Drinking isn’t gonna make you feel better, kid.”

Toni recognized that voice, and that comment coming from that voice was incredibly ironic. “Funny coming from you,” she chuckled humorlessly.

She spun on her stool to see F.P. Jones emerging from the shadows of the back of the bar. He must have come through the backdoor by the dumpster, she often forgot just how many people had keys to this place. The older Jones sat on the stool next to her and grabbed the bottle in front of her. She thought that he was going to push it away from her, or smash it, or something, but instead he refilled her empty glass and stared at her with an expression of challenge.

“Go ahead,” he spoke slowly, “if it’s really going to make you feel better, if it’s really what you need.”

Toni stared back at him and then at the glass in front of her. She didn’t say anything for a long time, but she couldn’t bring herself to down the alcohol in front of her either. 

“Nothing makes me feel better,” she finally whispered.

“And feeling nothing is better than feeling something,” F.P. supplied understandingly.

She nodded in confirmation as she felt tears sting the back of her eyes. “Everyone thinks I should be getting over it. I can see it in the way they look at me. The same people that were offering condolences and willing to bring food and flowers to my house after the funeral, now look at me like they expect everything to just go back to normal. Like they’re just waiting for me to catch up.”

She hadn’t said any of these things out loud, to anyone, and maybe F.P. was the perfect person to hear them. He hadn’t exactly experienced the same thing that she was going through, but he knew loss and grief, and feeling _lost_. She remembered when Jughead’s mom left, and how F.P. had almost drowned himself in booze. She knew that he hadn’t always been the best father to her best friend, and yet, strangely enough, he was one of the few _good_ paternal figures that she had in her life. 

“Because everything has gone back to normal for them.”

She nodded again. “Their world didn’t end. _Mine_ did.”

F.P. placed a gentle hand on the middle of her back. She covered her face with both of her hands and cried like she hadn’t since she had realized that this wasn’t all a nightmare, it was her life.

She sobbed over the bar top of the Whyte Wyrm and the leader of the Southside Serpents held her. He gradually wrapped an arm around her small shoulders and she pressed her face against the cool leather of his jacket. She hadn’t been held like this in far too long and she needed it – the comfort, the contact. He didn’t say a single word, he just let her cry.

She eventually pulled back and wiped the remaining tears on her cheeks with a huff. “Sorry,” she mumbled.

“Don’t apologize, kid,” he replied quickly. He kept a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it in a show of support. “You are allowed to feel whatever you need to feel, but you need to allow yourself to really feel it first.”

She looked down at the glistening bar top with a grin, she had never imagined that she would receive coping advice from Forsythe Pendleton Jones Jr. “Are you trying to tell me that sitting in my trailer and drinking is not a good way to manage my feelings?” She joked.

He seemed to find the dark humor in her question as well because they were able to laugh about it, genuine, throaty chuckles. And laughing definitely felt better than crying.

“Yeah,” he spoke, still chuckling. “That’s exactly what I’m trying to say.” He paused before he added, “And you’re allowed to talk about her, ya know?”

Toni’s shoulders tensed and she had to grit her teeth to stop herself from saying something that she didn’t really mean. She thought that she had been doing a great job of hiding just how _destroyed_ she really was, but apparently at least one person had noticed that she had been avoiding saying her very name. Talking about her just made everything hurt that much more.

She opened her mouth to speak, and when nothing came out she was glad that F.P. filled the silence. 

“In A.A.,” he began tentatively, “even when we don’t want to go to a meeting, it’s drilled into our heads that we get up and go. We go because we know that it’s good for us and that we need to. Suit up and show up,” he stated firmly. “But you have to suit up and show up for yourself. No one can do it for you, and I know a handful of boys that could do it for you if they could.”

Toni smiled at the mere mention of her boys.

“You have to do it for yourself first,” he finished softly.

She felt tears in her eyes again, but her throat was still raw from her earlier breakdown. She wanted to be all cried out for one evening. She took a slow, deep breath and flexed her fingers in front of her. “I keep wearing her clothes,” she confessed. “Sometimes it makes me feel closer to her, but now it mostly makes me feel so much farther away because they don’t even smell like her anymore.” 

F.P. frowned and squeezed her shoulder again. “It’s not fair, Topaz. Nothing about this is fair. But you still deserve to live your life.”

She bit down on her bottom lip, hard. “I just never got this far. I never imagined this part.”

“What part?” He asked curiously.

“The part where I have to live without her.”

 

_“Cheryl,” she growled in annoyance. “Pick up your goddamn phone.”_

_She had called six times, and she had gotten the answering machine_ six _times._

_She was really trying not to overreact, and not be that clingy, needy girlfriend, but it was two o’clock in the morning and her girl hadn’t come home and she wasn’t picking up her phone._

_Cheryl had told her that she was just going out to a late dinner with her brother and then she would be right home. So why wasn’t she home? And why wasn’t she answering her phone? Something didn’t add up. Something wasn’t right._

_Toni tried her number one more time, heard her girl’s sassy answering machine message one more time, before she threw her cellphone on the bed and tugged at the roots of her hair in frustration._

_Toni had no idea what to do. What was she supposed to do? She felt like her heart was beating a million beats per minute, and her palms were sweaty, and she could barely string two consecutive, coherent thoughts together. She had never felt like this before. She had never felt like her heart was out there, outside of her chest just walking around in seven hundred dollar heels._

_She had never felt so out of control, and yet so singularly devoted._

_Her head snapped up when she heard the telltale crack of the front door opening and closing. She raced out of the bedroom and into the living room just in time to see her girlfriend sheepishly hanging her coat and placing her keys in the little ceramic bowl that they kept on a table by the door._

_“Where were you?” Toni bellowed before her brain had even given her permission to ask such a question in such a demanding tone._

_Cheryl turned to her with a guilty expression. “I’m sorry, TT. I went out to dinner with JJ and then we went back to the office, and then, when he left I fell asleep on my sofa.” She toed off her shoes and approached her girlfriend with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry,” she said again._

_“Why didn’t you call?” Toni asked angrily._

_The redhead’s brow furrowed in confusion. “I fell asleep,” she reiterated._

_“You should have called, or you should have texted when you went to the office, or something. A little common courtesy so that I would know where you were and I wouldn’t have had to stay up, and leave so many fucking messages on your phone. You could have at least—”_

_She abruptly stopped talking when Cheryl cupped her face with both hands and softly stroked her cheeks with her thumbs. Toni hadn’t even realized that she had started crying._

_“Baby,” Cheryl cooed. “What’s wrong?”_

_“I was so worried,” Toni spoke through shaky breaths. “I was…” Her words turned into tears and Cheryl quickly pulled her into a tight embrace. “I panicked. I just felt…”_

_Cheryl ran her hands through pink-streaked hair and kissed her on the temple. “It’s okay,” she smiled knowingly. “I love you too.”_

 

Her morning began a lot like the previous one. She heard banging on her trailer door. She groaned. She reluctantly got out of her bed. Jughead Jones stood on the rickety steps with a bag from Pop’s.

This time she greeted him with the faintest of smiles. “Hey Jug.”

She pushed open the door for him and he followed her into the trailer. He sat on the couch and unloaded their food while she made the coffee.

They ate in silence until she asked a loaded question. “I’m thinking of going to my apartment soon. Will you come with me?”

Jughead slowly raised his head and looked at her carefully. Toni hadn’t set foot in the New York City apartment that she had shared with Cheryl since _that_ day and everyone knew it. He swallowed the burger in his mouth before he responded eagerly, “Yes, of course.”

Toni nodded and turned her eyes back to her food. “Cool,” she murmured.


	2. Part II – Next To Your Heartbeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni cleans out the apartment that she and Cheryl shared. Jason Blossom appears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that this is an AU fic. Our gang are in their mid-twenties and Cheryl and Toni have a different backstory, which will be slowly explored. 
> 
> Chapter song: Photograph - Ed Sheeran.

**Part II – Next To Your Heartbeat**

_We keep this love in a photograph_  
_We made these memories for ourselves_  
_Where our eyes are never closing_  
_Hearts are never broken_  
_And time's forever frozen still_

__

__

___Oh, you can fit me_  
_Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen_  
_Next to your heartbeat where I should be_  
_Keep it deep within your soul_

 

Toni looked up at the building in front of her with a scowl. She had been standing, unmoving, on the sidewalk for at least fifteen minutes, and she was beginning to wonder what had ever possessed her to get out of bed and travel into the city today. Perhaps she had been overly ambitious. 

People walked around her, occasionally bumping into her shoulder or hip, just going about their day and their routine, and she was just still. The symbolism wasn’t lost on her. She was trying to take F.P.'s advice seriously – to really _feel_ everything that she was feeling about Cheryl dying – but the first step to achieving that was not one that she was ready to face.

She had to clean out their apartment.

She had moved back to Sunnyside Trailer Park because she couldn’t bear to live in the home that they had made together, where they had been happy. The memories were just too overwhelming. She had barely even taken anything with her, which meant that a lot of her own belongings were still up in that loft. The temptation of retrieving her things had never outweighed the thought that if she went in there she would see Cheryl’s books, and Cheryl’s clothes, and everything else that had some connection to something that she would never get back.

“Suit up and show up,” she muttered to herself as she took the smallest step forward.

She had left early in the morning so that she could have the time to do this on her own, at her pace. She needed to do this part on her own. The boys would be meeting her soon, as they were travelling in Sweet Pea’s old pickup truck, but she needed to do this part by herself.

She took a deep breath and another step forward so that she could open the main door of the building. She kept her head down, avoiding Tom the security guy, who would no doubt look at her with an expression of pity, however good intentioned, and she practically jumped into the stairwell. She took a moment to press her back against the far wall and she took another deep, grounding breath.

The walk up the stairs felt like a trudge, and then she was standing directly in front of her door with her keys weighing heavy in the pocket of her Serpent jacket. 

She wasn’t about to turn around and back down now. Nobody had ever accused her of being a quitter, but at the same time, she longed to walk into the loft and find it empty.

 

_Toni pursed her lips as she walked into the bare loft with her arms crossed over her chest. She knew better than to vocalize her thoughts, or grin, or have any feelings associated with the space reflected in her body language. She didn’t want to get her hopes up because this was the thirteenth apartment that they had seen in three days. The_ thirteenth. __

_Somehow she had not seen this coming. She had not anticipated that the maple syrup princess would be picky when choosing an apartment. The girl had grown up in a fucking mansion for God’s sake. Cheryl had found something wrong with every single place they had viewed. Whereas Toni was easy to please, hell she had grown up in a trailer park._

_So she refused to get excited about the exposed brick walls and large windows that allowed tonnes of natural light. She wasn’t imagining hanging Cheryl’s favourite artworks and maybe a few of her own photographs along the long, white wall that led to the bedroom. She wasn’t charmed by the modern kitchen, and she wasn’t eager to fill the modular shelving in the bedroom with Cheryl’s books._

_She was fully prepared to move along to the next place._

_They had spent a solid ten minutes in the space in silence before Toni turned to her girlfriend with an arched eyebrow. “Well?” She asked expectantly._

_The redhead practically skipped towards her with a grin. “I love it,” she breathed._

_Toni’s eyes widened in shock. “You do?”_

_“I do,” she nodded. “I think it’s perfect.”_

_Toni was still in a state of shock. She wanted to make sure that Cheryl had actually analyzed, and overanalyzed, everything before she held her to her favourable opinion. She quickly questioned her girlfriend on everything that she had disliked about every other apartment they had considered. “You like the location? You don’t think it’s too small? Will your heels echo too loudly on these floors? Is the bathroom big enough for all our makeup? What about the closet? Did you stretch in the closet to see if you could comfortably change in it?”_

_Cheryl took both of her hands and began to playfully swing them as she laughed. “I love it,” she repeated. “Doesn’t it feel like us?”_

_Toni looked around the empty space once more and it was almost too easy to imagine them making a life here. As she turned back to her girlfriend, she finally allowed a smile to grace her face. “It really does.”_

 

The door slammed loudly behind her as she walked into the loft and took everything in. The rich, warm colours that contrasted with the coolness of the brick. The throw blanket tossed over the back of the sofa. The blue mug sitting on the small kitchen table. The framed, sugary sweet photographs on the windowsills. The tall plant in the corner of the living room. There was a paperback, lying cover up to bookmark a page, on the coffee table. 

It was like someone had pressed pause. Within these walls everything was still. A stark juxtaposition to the unbearable speed at which her life was actually moving.

There was an odd feeling palpable as Toni moved through the space. She could almost hear Cheryl calling out to her from the bedroom. She could see the two of them cooking together, and sitting in silence on the sofa, Cheryl’s feet in her lap as the redhead idly sketched. She could even hear the echoes of the last fight they had. The apartment was like a living, breathing memory and Toni quickly recalled why she had put off this very task for so long. 

It was hard to be _here_.

There was a knock on the door and Toni breathed a sigh of relief. Her boys had perfect timing.

She opened the door and Jughead, Sweet Pea, Fangs, and Joaquin walked in, armed with coffee, cardboard boxes, packing tape, and other various packing supplies.

“Hey, Tiny,” Fangs greeted her with a soft smile. “You okay?”

She merely nodded. “Yeah, I was just…” She trailed off and stared down at her feet as she shuffled them uncomfortably. “I was just thinking about where to start,” she lied.

“Why don’t we start three piles? Keep, donate, throw away?” Joaquin proposed, ever the practical one. “Then we can move some of the furniture to the truck?”

She nodded, and was thankful that she didn’t have to make a decision like that. “Okay.” She turned towards the far side of the living room where there was a small desk next to an oak filing cabinet and a record player. “I’m going to start over there.” She knew that she wanted to keep their record collection, so that was an easy first decision. 

She watched the boys disperse and focus as well. Joaquin began to assemble the boxes, Fangs moved into the kitchen, and Sweet Pea slowly walked towards the long, white wall that had indeed become their own mini art gallery.

“Pea?” She called softly. The tall man that she had known since they had both played in a sandbox turned at the call of his nickname. “Can you carefully wrap up all the art and leave the photos? Just for now?”

He nodded slowly, and she could see his Adam’s apple bob shakily. “Yeah, ‘course.” 

She started to sort through the records, and smiled at the blending of two very different musical styles and preferences. She thumbed through albums by the Beatles, Misfits, Adele, Dead Kennedys, Tom Petty, Madonna, The Smiths – the examples of everything pop and punk went on and on.

She turned her head when she felt, more than heard, someone sit down on the floor beside her. Jughead was offering her a takeout cup of coffee and she accepted it with a smile. “Thank you,” she mumbled, and they both knew that, once again, she was thanking him for more than simple sustenance.

“What would you like me to do?” He asked thoughtfully.

Toni thoughtfully chewed on her bottom lip. “Can you pack up the books in the bedroom?” She knew that he would take that job very seriously. “I want to keep them.” She knew that she didn’t have anywhere to put all of them right now, but she was not getting rid of Cheryl’s books.

“On it.”

Toni finished boxing up the records and raised her head to watch Sweet Pea carefully inspect every frame as he removed it from the wall, and then he would gently wrap it in bubble wrap before he placed it in the cardboard box at his feet. Fangs and Joaquin were occupied with kitchenware, quietly murmuring to each other, but Sweet Pea was certainly more solemn than she was used to seeing. She slowly got to her feet and made her way towards him.

As she had requested, the only frames still hanging on the wall were photographs that she had taken herself. Cheryl had painstakingly picked out all of the original artwork in their home and Toni had placed just as much consideration in choosing which photos she wanted to frame and display. They were mostly landscape shots of places that you would only recognize if you grew up in Riverdale – the bank of Sweetwater River, Sunnyside Trailer Park at dusk, a tree in Pickens Park, the Twilight Drive-In before it was torn down, but there were three photos of Cheryl, two in colour and one in black and white. Candids, her favourite.

“God, she was pretty,” she breathed.

Sweet Pea chuckled beside her. “That goes without saying, T. Your girl was gorgeous.”

“I wanna keep all of them,” she told him quietly.

Sweet Pea had expected that statement. “I’ll wrap them all and put them in your car.”

She squeezed his arm in thanks before she made her way to the bedroom. 

A gasp escaped her when she took the step around the corner and the entire bedroom came into view. Their bedroom was very simplistic and minimalist. Just books, a bed, a drawing table, and a comfortable chair by the window. But the small, practically invisible, personal touches were everywhere, and the scent of Cheryl’s perfume still hung in the air.

Jughead must have heard her because he stepped away from the bookshelves attached to the wall and furrowed his brow in concern. “Do you want a minute alone?”

She merely nodded and he quickly granted her the wish.

Once she was alone, she sat down on the edge of the queen-sized bed and ran a hand slowly over the charcoal grey sheets.

 

_“Cheryl!” She bellowed as she ran into the bedroom. She held her phone in her hand and brandished it like she was showcasing incredibly incriminating evidence. “According to Google, your fancy French sheets are almost two thousand dollars a set!”_

_The redhead just shrugged as she continued to make the bed with sheets that were probably worth more than Toni’s entire wardrobe._

_“Two thousand dollars!” Toni repeated emphatically._

_Cheryl grinned at her over her shoulder. “My treat, babe.” And she added a wink for good measure._

_“My treat,” Toni mumbled to herself in frustration. “Cheryl, you can’t just do stuff like this.” She took a step towards her girlfriend and started to speak in a more even voice. “You know all this money stuff weirds me out. You already own this entire apartment and I don’t pay rent so I live here like some freeloader.”_

_Cheryl, finished with her chore, stood to her full height and fixed her with a serious expression. “You’re not some couch surfing drifter. You’re my girlfriend.”_

_“Correction. Your_ poor _girlfriend.”_

_The redhead frowned before she placed both of her hands on her hips and bit down on her bottom lip mischievously. “Okay, I have an alternative way of thinking about this.”_

_Toni was at least a teensy bit intrigued. “I’m listening.”_

_Cheryl grabbed one of Toni’s hands and guided her to sit on the bed beside her. “Just feel these sheets,” Cheryl encouraged._

_Toni did, with Cheryl’s hand firmly on top of hers, and she couldn’t deny that they felt phenomenal. They even felt expensive. “They’re okay,” she replied nonchalantly._

_Her girlfriend rolled her eyes. “Okay, you liar.” She kept their hands connected as she leaned in for a kiss. “They’re indescribable,” she whispered. “And they feel even better on bare, naked skin.”_

_The brunette’s breath hitched and her eyes widened. “I’m listening.”_

_Cheryl chuckled and kissed her again. “Our sex is too good for cheap sheets, Toni Topaz. Only the best.”_

 

Jughead walked back into the living room so that he could give his friend some privacy. Joaquin and Fangs were still dealing with the kitchen, but the fifth member of their group was nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s Sweet Pea?” He asked curiously.

Fangs awkwardly scratched the back of his neck. “He, uh, needed a minute.”

Fangs nodded towards the door so Jughead left the apartment to check on his friend. He had seen Sweet Pea looking pensively at the art on the wall. 

He didn’t have to look very far to find him. Sweet Pea was sitting on the floor next to a door, a familiar, but significant, item of clothing in his lap.

Jughead sat down beside him without a word, fully prepared to sit in silence for as long as Sweet Pea needed.

“Do you remember when she got this?” Sweet Pea asked as he clutched the red leather with both hands.

“Of course,” Jughead chuckled. “Giving Cheryl Blossom a Serpent jacket is definitely one of the most surreal moments of my life.”

Cheryl hadn’t been an official Serpent, just honorary, no Serpent dance or initiation needed, but she had all but demanded a jacket to signify her affiliation. In her signature colour. Toni had been all too overjoyed to help make it happen.

Sweet Pea laughed as well but Jughead could see his grip on the jacket tighten.

“I couldn’t believe it, when I first met her, ya know?” He chuckled, but his voice was thick with emotion. “She was so fucking prissy and high-maintenance. So far from the kinda chick I thought Toni would go for. She talked like she was always reading lines from a Shakespeare play, and she didn’t know how to keep out of other people’s business.” He traced the Serpent logo with his fingers as he continued, his eyes never leaving the jacket. “Just before, I got into a fight with some Ghoulies, busted my lip, got a nasty cut over my eye. I called Toni and Ms. Nosy picked up. It didn’t matter how many times I demanded to talk to Toni, or told her not to come. It didn’t matter. She picked me up and she wouldn’t leave me alone until I stopped bleeding. Stayed the whole night.”

Jughead saw right through Sweet Pea’s framing of the story. Sweet Pea had always liked Cheryl a lot more than he had ever been willing to admit. She did get on his nerves, but she was loyal to the core, and if there was one thing that Sweet Pea valued above all else, it was loyalty. Cheryl also happened to be protective of everyone she considered family, and that had included Sweet Pea.

Jughead watched anxiously as his friend’s bottom lip trembled from where it was trapped between his teeth. After careful consideration, he repeated something that Betty had been wise enough to tell him. “She was Toni’s person, but she was our family too. We’re allowed to miss her,” he whispered.

The taller guy buried his face in the red leather jacket and mumbled, “She was so fucking annoying,” before his body wracked with sobs.

Jughead squeezed his friend’s shoulder; he knew this was a long time coming. He had watched from afar as Sweet Pea had tried so hard to be there for Toni that he hadn’t allowed himself to grieve the loss of a friend. 

Neither of them were sure how long they sat on the floor. Sweet Pea’s cries slowly became silent and he eventually ran a hand over his face with a shake of his head and an embarrassed laugh. 

“Christ,” he chuckled.

Jughead opened his mouth to offer words of support, but then his attention was drawn to the clanging of the stairwell door. A pair of long legs wearing impeccably tailored pants stepped into the hallway and walked towards them with purposed, even strides. 

Tall, handsome, well-dressed. Redhaired and pale. Except for the eyes, Cheryl and Jason had strikingly similar features. 

“Jason?” Sweet Pea spoke. “What are you doing here?”

“Jughead invited me,” he answered simply.

Jughead shrugged when Sweet Pea turned to him in shock. “We’re taking care of his sister’s stuff, he deserves to be here.”

The three men entered the apartment and Joaquin and Fangs shot Jason questioning looks as well. Not a word was exchanged. 

The four Serpents hung back as Jason headed towards the bedroom, towards Toni.

Toni jumped off of the bed and hastily wiped away any remaining tears gathered underneath her eyes. “Jason! What are you doing here?” She hadn’t seen Cheryl’s twin since the funeral and she had not expected to see him today.

“I came by to get a few things,” he answered quietly with his hands in his pockets.

He was wearing a navy blue suit, like he was just taking a break from work, or a photoshoot.

Toni just nodded, honestly too stunned to say much else. She knew what he would want; some of the Blossom family jewellery, the photograph of the twins as kids that sat on the desk in the living room, the t-shirts that Cheryl had stolen from him over the years. She believed that she would have packed it up and brought it to him…eventually. 

He took a small box from the living room and slipped through the space like a ghost. Toni could only assume that he was experiencing something similar to what she had when she had stepped inside the apartment this morning. Jason was quiet and respectful as he looked through Cheryl’s closet and drawers, and the living room. 

She tried not to hover when he was in the bathroom, but there was definitely a tick in her jaw while he rifled through the drawers and haphazardly tossed all of her toiletries and makeup to the side. Toni knew that she was going to throw the majority of it in the trash; practically, Cheryl’s colours and shades would never work on her skin, but knowing that didn’t make the reality any easier. She had always loved watching her girl do her hair and makeup. 

She did laugh to herself when she realized that Cheryl would strangle her brother if she saw the way he was completely disregarding her beauty regimen. 

When Jason was finished, he approached Toni with the box under his arm containing exactly what she had predicted and a few extras – a high school yearbook, an autographed baseball that he had given her as a birthday gift, one of the pieces of art that Sweet Pea had taken down, and a photo of Cheryl with her niece and nephew.

“Where are her sketchbooks?” He asked.

Toni instantly bristled. “Why?”

“Because I would like to have them,” he stated matter-of-factly.

“No,” she responded immediately. She crossed her arms over her chest and jutted out her hip in a stance ready for confrontation. “Definitely not.”

“I have the very first drawing Cheryl gave me framed in my office.” He paused dramatically before he added, “We were four.”

Toni knew that Cheryl and Jason were exceptionally close, there was no arguing or disputing that, and Jason had loved and supported her long before she had even met Toni. And yet, Toni could not imagine giving him her sketchbooks – that big piece of Cheryl. 

 

_Toni smiled as she slowly approached Cheryl sitting cross-legged in the chair by the window with her sketchbook in her lap. She always loved watching Cheryl take the time out of her day to draw. She always looked so relaxed and at ease, peaceful._

_She quietly crept up behind her and placed a kiss in fiery, red hair. “What ya working on?” She whispered._

_Cheryl quickly pressed the sketchbook to her chest and flushed. “Don’t peek,” she murmured shyly. “It’s not done.”_

_Toni laughed as she crawled into her girlfriend’s lap and nuzzled against her neck. “I don’t even get a VIP preview pass?”_

_The redhead tossed her sketchbook to the floor and wrapped both of her arms around the tinier girl’s waist. “They always look sloppy and bizarre when they’re in progress. I can barely stand to look at them.”_

_“That’s not true,” Toni quickly chastised. “They’re beautiful in every stage. You’re so talented, Cher.” She knew that her annoyingly talented, but painfully insecure, girlfriend would be rolling her eyes right about now, so she raised her head and joined their mouths. “I mean that.” They kissed again before she said, “You know what I love the most about your drawings?”_

_“What?” Cheryl asked in a whisper._

_“That they’re just for you. You don’t do it to seek anyone’s approval or praise. Makes them honest.”_

_Cheryl smiled, but it was faint. “I didn’t draw for a really long time, but I do now,” she stated meaningfully._

 

“You can’t have them,” Toni continued defiantly.

Joaquin tentatively stepped forward, willing to acknowledge the growing tension in the room. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Jason answered, not a hint of anger or frustration was present in his voice. “I was just leaving.” He walked towards the door and held the doorknob as he voiced one last thought. “They’re just things, Toni.”

Toni sighed and stared at the floor as she listened to the door open and close. He was right; they were just things, but they were _Cheryl’s things_.

“You good?” Sweet Pea asked after a moment.

She quickly nodded. “Yeah, let’s just finish up and get out of here.”

They packed up and cleaned what they could, using Joaquin’s three pile system, and the boys volunteered to bring the furniture and other large items to a storage locker. She dropped the bulk of Cheryl’s beautiful clothing off at a shelter a block from the loft, and then she headed back to Riverdale.

She returned to her trailer with a suitcase full of her own stuff, her records, a box of books, and the framed pieces that Sweet Pea had caringly packed for her. She also had the last sketchbook that Cheryl had used, those stupidly expensive bedsheets, a tube of red lipstick, and the only red Serpent jacket in existence. 

She changed into more comfortable clothes for the night. Knowing that tonight she needed comfort, she chose clothes that she had taken from the loft. She wore a pair of sweat pants and a ratty, grey long sleeve that Cheryl had consistently tried to commandeer as her own. She stood next to her bed and hesitantly brought the collar of the shirt to her nose.

Three months and it still smelled undeniably like Cheryl. Toni couldn’t help but grin.

As she was hanging a hooded sweater in the closet, something fell with a thud to the floor. She bent over with a furrowed brow to pick up the Ziploc bag. It was the bag that housed the possessions that had been on Cheryl when she had…

Kneeling on the floor in front of the closet, she opened the bag and dumped the contents. A wallet. A phone. A pair of sunglasses. Some jewellery. Toni quickly snatched up the wedding band and slipped it onto the long chain that she wore around her neck. It hung between her breasts, and she held it in her fist and pressed it to her skin.


	3. Part III – Share In Your Suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni joins a grief group, and tries to pull away from both well-intentioned friends and difficult in-laws.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the love! <3
> 
> Chapter song: Gone Gone Gone - Phillip Phillips
> 
> Hope you're listening to this soundtrack!

**Part III – Share In Your Suffering**

_Like a drum my heart never stops beating_

_And I would do it for you, for you_   
_Baby, I'm not moving on_   
_I love you long after you're gone_

 

Toni didn’t take off her chain to sleep, and when she awoke it was to the sound of a phone that was not her own. Her drowsy and confused brain drew a blank until it hit her that she plugged in Cheryl’s phone last night before she went to bed. She rolled over so that she could reach the bedside table and her eyes squinted at the screen that demanded a password.

Password?

She slowly sat up in her bed and stared at the phone in her hand. Of course Cheryl had a password on her phone, everyone did, but Toni had never put a lot of thought into its existence before. She had never gotten the urge to look at her calls or messages, or anything else in her phone. Her trust in her wife had been absolute.

They didn’t keep secrets from each other so there was never a need to snoop.

She wasn’t even sure where to start with password attempts.

But the notification that told her that there were twenty-seven missed calls, fifteen unheard messages, and five unread texts was calling to her.

She was just curious. Not nosy, curious.

But she knew that she couldn’t listen to all of the unheard messages on Cheryl’s phone without dealing with the ones on her own phone first. She placed her wife’s phone back on the bedside table and grabbed her own. She quickly entered her own password (the day she officially became a Serpent) and opened her voicemail.

_“You have three unheard messages.”_

And she had a hunch that they were all from the same source.

_“Ciao! I have some very exciting news! We’re going to give you a showcase! Now, perhaps I can finally convince you to make Antionette your professional name. Call me back!”_

The next message was certainly not as upbeat.

_“Hi, it’s me. I haven’t heard from you, at the gallery or otherwise, and I just want…please call me back.”_

One more.

_“Archie saw Jughead today so at least I know you’re talking to someone. Maybe it’s harder because I was her friend first? Just please call me back. I would like to see you.”_

Toni had been right about the messages. They had all been left by the same person: Veronica Lodge. Force of nature. Business owner. Art gallery curator. Girlfriend to Jughead’s oldest friend, Archie Andrews. And Cheryl’s closest friend from boarding school.

Veronica was an incredibly persistent person, and she _cared_. She cared about Toni both professionally and personally. Veronica had been encouraging her photography career from their very first meeting, and she had connections that had certainly helped Toni make a few sells and get her name out there. The raven-haired woman had been working for about six months to give her a showcase at her art gallery. Her work, just hers, on display with a grand opening, champagne, fancy cheese, the works. And apparently, now everything was in place to make that happen.

It was a career defining moment and yet…

Veronica was right about one thing; her being one of Cheryl’s oldest, closest friends did make it that much harder to see her. The woman had known Cheryl in an honest, but very different way. She was her friend, but she was Cheryl’s friend first. 

 

_“Babe,” Cheryl began with a smile. “This is Veronica.”_

_Toni nervously shook the hand of the gorgeous, stylish brunette. Veronica Lodge was beautiful, ambitious, as intimidating as all hell, and her new girlfriend’s best friend. She was the first important person in Cheryl’s life that she was meeting. It was a big deal._

_Veronica smiled widely and excitedly swayed in her Louboutins. “Antionette Topaz, it is such a pleasure. I have heard so much about you and I_ cannot wait _to get to know you better. Perhaps a game of secrets and sins will be on the menu later?”_

_Cheryl reached forward and placed a hand on Veronica’s forearm. “Patience, V,” she grinned, but there was a hint of warning in her expression. “No need to scare this one away.”_

_Veronica shrugged sheepishly. “Just being protective of my favourite ginger.”_

_“Okay,” Cheryl chuckled, a rather rare sound. “Let’s see if our table is ready.”_

_Cheryl charged towards the hostess and Toni was surprised when Veronica fell into step with her and looped her hand around her elbow. “If I’m not trying to scare you,” Veronica began, “perhaps I can grace you with a few stories from the Bombshell rolodex.”_

_“Bombshell?” She repeated in amusement._

_Veronica laughed happily, tossing her head back. “Our girl had quite the reputation in high school.”_

_Toni grinned as Veronica continued to escort her to their table at the back of the restaurant._ Our _girl. They barely knew each other and Veronica already seemed willing to share. That was a good sign._

 

Toni put her phone to the side and dressed for the day in black leggings and Cheryl’s old, navy Columbia t-shirt, it was big enough on her that she knotted it at her side. She added sneakers and a flannel, and Cheryl’s wedding band felt like lead around her neck.

But it was a good kind of weight; she needed it; it grounded her.

She left her trailer and reluctantly drove to Riverdale High, a building she thought she would never set foot in, especially as an adult.

Another part of F.P.’s advice nudged her to seek out some sort of emotional outlet that wasn’t a bottle of whiskey. The solution had been to Google grief groups. And of course, the only grief group in Riverdale met in the gym of Riverdale High on Sunday mornings.

She walked into the gym, her sneakers squeaking against the floor, and quickly felt every eye in the room on her. It wasn’t like there was a big secret as to why she was here. Everyone in town knew the Blossoms, so everyone in town thought they knew what she was going through.

She kept her head down and took a seat on a plastic chair in the makeshift circle.

Most people mulling around had taken their seats when the door opened again, and Jason Blossom walked in. Toni crossed one leg over the other and fiddled with her chain. She had no idea that he was going to be here, otherwise she wouldn’t have come. 

When the leader of the group started, Toni was the first person that she addressed. “And you’re new,” she began with a soft smile. “Would you like to introduce yourself?”

“I’m Toni,” she replied in a voice that was barely audible. “I lost my wife three months ago.”

She stopped talking and the group leader, who was probably around her age, prodded her. “Would you like to say anything else?”

Toni firmly shook her head. She wanted to talk about how all of this felt impossible. She wanted to talk about how she had found a home in Cheryl and how losing her was so much greater than losing a spouse. She wanted to talk about how moving on is complete bullshit. She wanted to talk about how everyone she had ever loved, who loved her back, died.

But she wasn’t ready to say any of that to the gossip hounds of Riverdale. 

She didn’t want to say any of that in front of Jason.

 

_Toni couldn’t believe that Cheryl was practically pouting at her. That pout was killer and her girlfriend knew it._

_“You don’t like my brother?” The redhead asked as she looked at her with big, brown eyes and long eyelashes._

_They were lying in bed, after a fantastic round of orgasms, and they had stumbled upon a topic of conversation that had the potential to make things quite uncomfortable. Earlier in the day, they had gone out to lunch, where she had met Cheryl’s twin brother for the very first time._

_Toni reached out to run her thumb over Cheryl’s plump bottom lip. “I never said that,” she quickly corrected. “I said I don’t think he likes me.”_

_Cheryl rolled over onto her stomach and leaned on her elbows, her hands close to her face. “I don’t think that’s true.”_

_The brunette rolled her eyes. “He doesn’t think I’m good enough for his precious baby sister.”_

_“First of all,” she began with a smirk, “he is only three minutes older than me. Second, I could be dating actual royalty and he would feel that way.”_

_“That doesn’t make me feel better,” Toni murmured._

_Cheryl shifted closer to her and rested her chin on a dainty collarbone. “Baby,” she purred. “JJ wants me to be happy and_ you _make me happy.”_

_Toni smiled as one of her hands drifted to trace circles in the small of Cheryl’s back. She loved the feeling of soft, porcelain skin beneath her fingers. “But,” she sighed regretfully, “his opinion matters to you, so it matters to me. So please,” she said as her other hand brushed Cheryl’s hair out of her face, “tell me what he said about me.”_

_The tall redhead sighed and averted her gaze. “He’s not sure if you’ll be able to make me happy,” she confessed in a whisper. “He thinks we’re too different.”_

 

After designated story time, Toni made her way to the table that held the coffee. It was weak, but at least there were powdery donuts to go with it. She was stirring her coffee with a stir stick when she felt someone beside her.

There was something about the presence of a Blossom that she was just attuned to.

She turned slowly and greeted him with a nod. “Jason.”

“Toni.”

“Listen, I’m sorry,” she began with nervous energy. “I didn’t know you came here. I wouldn’t have… I don’t want to impose. If grief group is your thing then I don’t have to come back.”

“I don’t have a monopoly on grief group,” he replied. He paused before he added a joke, “Contrary to popular belief, Blossoms do not buy everything.”

Toni chuckled because it almost sounded like a joke that Cheryl would make about their family.

“It’s good that you’re here,” Jason spoke again. “Sometimes talking about it helps.”

Toni nodded, she wasn’t sure if she believed that yet. She set her coffee down on the table, feeling flushed enough to remove her flannel and tie it around her waist. She was perceptive enough to notice the subtle change in Jason’s expression and demeanour. Minutes ago he had appeared easygoing, welcoming even, and now he looked tense, bordering on anger.

“What?” She asked in confusion.

“That’s my shirt.”

Toni looked down with a furrowed brow and quickly raised her head when she confirmed that it was indeed Columbia written across her chest. “You went to Dartmouth,” she deadpanned.

“Our first year of college, Cheryl brought me back a Columbia shirt for Christmas and I got her one from Dartmouth. But Cheryl being Cheryl, she eventually took it back and declared that she wouldn’t be caught dead in Dartmouth green. _That_ is that shirt,” he declared passionately.

Toni felt like they were fighting over the sketchbooks all over again. She understood his sudden possessiveness and she wasn’t sure how to respond. This was one of those items of clothing that her and Cheryl had shared. They would wear this very Columbia t-shirt lounging around the apartment, to the gym, to the coffee shop down the street from the loft.

It had a history. It was a tiny part of _their_ history.

“Does it still smell like her?” He eventually asked in a whisper.

Toni pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and nodded slowly. “Yeah,” she breathed, “her perfume.”

Jason took a deep breath and released it slowly. “Do you want to get out of here?” He asked after a moment. “Get a real coffee?”

Toni nodded and allowed herself to laugh, just a little bit. “That sounds good.”

It was an odd invitation. Coffee with Jason Blossom. They had never spent much time together without Cheryl as a buffer. She didn’t really know him; just the basics – golden boy, All-American athlete, Dartmouth grad, husband, and father. She only knew the version of Jason that Cheryl knew and loved. 

And yet, he was probably the only person in the world that was hurting just as badly as she was. That had to count for something.

 

Jughead wasn’t even fully seated before he was being nagged.

“She’s not returning my calls, Jones.”

Jughead resisted the urge to roll his eyes. The level of impatience was typical of the owner of the voice. 

He settled in the booth and looked across the table at Archie and Veronica. “She just became a widow fifty years earlier than she expected. I think she’s earned the right to call screen,” he quipped.

Veronica sighed as Archie wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “I’m just worried about her.”

“She just needs some time,” Jughead implored. “It’s only been three months.”

Archie glanced to Veronica worriedly and the gesture did not go unnoticed by Jughead. “How are you?” He asked softly. He knew that Veronica had to be missing her as well.

The brunette tilted her head and sighed. “I’ve been keeping busy. It keeps my mind… occupied.”

“How are you, Jug?” Archie returned. “How’s the writing going?”

“The writing is going incredibly well,” he answered, and there was a clear note of shame in this voice. “I almost have six chapters written.”

Archie, forever a supportive and encouraging friend, smiled widely. “That’s great, Jug.”

Jughead just nodded, after putting his foot in his mouth with Toni, he had been very reflective about his sudden muse.

The three friends ordered some coffees and made idle small talk. But the conversation was unable to move entirely away from the biggest obstacle in their lives. 

“How did this happen?” Archie spoke in disbelief.

“I ask myself that a hundred times a day, Archikins,” Veronica answered slowly. 

“I really thought she was going to outlive us all, on sheer force of will,” Jughead joked.

The comment at least pulled a chuckle out of the couple.

Veronica shifted in her seat before she spoke again. “Sadly I have a meeting to get to, so I must go.” Archie slid out of the booth so that she could get out and once she was on her feet, she placed a hand on Jughead’s forearm. “Can you ask her to call me?” She paused before she added desperately, “Please.”

He nodded slowly, his old beanie, which he hadn’t worn in years, slipping into his eyes. “I will try, Veronica. She’s gotta get there on her own.”

 

Toni and Jason sat in the Riverdale High parking lot in Jason’s Beamer with their gourmet coffee in hand, and it was surprisingly comfortable. Toni was glad that they weren’t bonding by being sad and weepy, instead they were complaining. Bitching, really.

“I hate when people ask me if the transition at work has been difficult,” Jason chuckled gloomily, “because work was the first thing on my mind.”

It was her turn. “I hate when people say I’m in their prayers.”

“I hate the phrase 'sorry for your loss'. It’s so cliché. Cheryl hated clichés,” he added in a murmur.

“I hate when people pretend like everything’s fine. Like if I run into someone that I haven’t seen in a while and they just pretend like nothing happened. They don’t mention her. They don’t ask about me.” Toni mindlessly flicked her paper cup as she spoke. “I really hate that,” she grumbled. “It feels so… false.”

Jason was quick to speak again. “I hate it when people ask me if we were close. She was my _sister_. I envy you in that way.”

Her head turned sharply towards him and she felt every muscle in her body tense. “What do you mean?” She asked slowly.

“Cheryl and I were twins. That bond, that friendship, that _love_ can’t ever be replaced.” He raised his eyes slowly and looked at her as he spoke confidently. “You can find someone else to love and marry. I can never have another sister.”

Her mouth dropped open in shock. “Wow,” she scoffed. “I cannot believe you just said that.”

The eldest Blossom heir tried to defend himself. “Well it’s true. You didn’t know her the way that I did. The bond that we had was—”

Toni cut him off by opening the car door. “You know,” she began angrily, “I always knew that you hated me, but it’s kinda nice to finally have a real excuse to stay away from your pretentious ass. Thanks, Jason,” she added sarcastically before she hopped out of the car and slammed the door.

She practically stomped back to her own car and pulled the driver’s door open with much more force than necessary. She felt vindicated that she hadn’t given him the sketchbooks, or apologized for the Columbia shirt. 

In classic Blossom family fashion, Jason was only thinking of himself. What a jackass. 

She gripped the steering wheel as she took a deep breath, trying to rein in her anger. She knew that her issues with Jason were far more complicated than that distasteful interaction and the fact that she believed he had never really liked her. Her anger, which she kept deeply buried most days, was directed at the entire Blossom family.

While she grieved, they remained distant and cold. Sure, they had never been warm and fuzzy in-laws, but she had hoped that they would be more understanding during this excruciating time. She at least expected that they would allow her to visit Cheryl’s grave. Her wife was buried with the rest of the Blossom line, on the estate of Thornhill, behind tall gates, and security, and watchful eyes.

And she was most definitely not welcome.

 

That night at the Whyte Wyrm, she was not surprised when F.P. appeared just after closing.

“Hey kid,” he greeted as he sat down on a bar stool.

She nodded, still behind the bar, and gestured to the mini-refrigerator. “Soda?”

“If you join me,” he bargained.

She did, and placed two Cokes on the bar top. She stood directly in front of him and waited for tonight’s lesson. As the silence dragged on, she arched an eyebrow and he mirrored her expression. “Well,” she stated in annoyance, “are you going to say anything?”

F.P. chuckled, “How are you Toni?”

She was slightly taken aback by his phrasing; he rarely called her by her first name, it was always Topaz, or kid, or some other nickname. Perhaps it was the use of her name, and the sincerity of his tone, and their eye-opening conversation just days ago that prompted her to be honest and blunt. “I’m just mad all the time.”

He nodded in understanding. “How was group today?”

She automatically gritted her teeth. “Jason was there.”

F.P.’s eyebrows shot into his hairline. “And how was that?”

“Wonderful,” she laughed sarcastically. “He was just so… he’s _so_ … Blossom.”

“Your girl was a Blossom,” he pointed out.

“Yeah, but,” Toni shrugged and answered quietly, “it was the part of herself that she hated the most.” She paused before the smallest smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. “Besides, on her it was cute.”

F.P. chuckled at the momentary flash of happiness. When her expression slipped back into one of melancholy, he inquired, “Did you two fight?”

“I dunno if you could call it that,” she muttered. “It’s always been complicated.” 

She took a sip from her can of Coke and turned her head when she heard the door. She watched Jughead walk across the bar and take a seat next to his father.

“Are you two tag-teaming me?” She asked in quite an unfriendly tone.

“I was actually coming to see if you wanted to hang out,” Jughead answered.

“It’s after two AM,” she retorted skeptically.

“You say that like we haven’t hung out at two AM before.”

“Point taken, but you don’t need to hover, Jones. Either of you.” 

“Just looking out for you, kid,” the older Jones replied softly.

Her posture, and the bite of her words reflected defiance. “I’ve been looking after myself for a very long time. I don’t need babysitters now, especially not the two of you.”

Neither man took offence to her words. They both knew that her anger wasn’t actually directed at them.

Toni finished her soda and walked around the bar. “If the two of you are just going to be here then I’m gonna go.” She quickly grabbed her jacket and headed for the door. 

As much as she knew that she should appreciate what her family was trying to do, she was not in the mood to hear it right now. She didn’t feel like she was making any forward progress. Telling F.P. that she was mad about everything, all the time, was the most honest thing that she had said in months. She was mad at the two Joneses for hovering. She was mad at Jason Blossom and his crazy, elitist parents. She was mad that she hadn’t taken a photo in months. She was mad that she was trying to have the willpower not to drink. She was mad at the whole freakin’ universe.

“Toni,” F.P. called, “sometimes when people are drowning, they thrash around so much that they pull under anyone trying to save them. Doesn’t mean they don’t want help.”

Toni stood still as he spoke, but she did not reply. She couldn’t. She took a deep breath as she grasped the chain around her neck, for what felt like the hundredth time today, and then she strode out of the bar in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this fic might be 10 or 12 chapters, so stay tuned.


	4. Part IV – A Single Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni takes on a Serpent recruit and finally faces a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is an original character entering in this chapter. I'm picturing him kind of like Bill Skarsgard. 
> 
> Chapter song: Touch - Sleeping At Last. Such a beautiful song!

**Part IV – A Single Touch**

_When will I feel this_  
_As vivid as it truly is,_  
_Fall in love in a single touch,_  
_And fall apart when it hurts too much?_

_I know, I know - the sirens sound_  
_Just before the walls come down._  
_Pain is a well-intentioned weatherman_  
_Predicting God as best he can,_  
_But God I want to feel again._

 

Toni stared down at the phone in her lap with a deeply furrowed brow. She had tried several password variations for Cheryl’s cellphone and she was still locked out. She had tried playing with their wedding anniversary, the date of their engagement, their first date – nothing. Remembering that her beloved could be a tad self-centered from time to time, she tried Cheryl’s birthday, the year she graduated high school, the year the Blossoms funded the newly minted town of Riverdale. Hell, she even tried the year that Prada was founded.

She seemed no closer to listening to all of those unheard messages.

She felt like she was overlooking something obvious; she just couldn’t pinpoint it.

She laid the phone down when she heard a knock on her trailer door. She padded to the door, still in her pajamas, an oversized crewneck sweater and shorts, and opened it to find F.P. with his hands in his jeans pockets. She hadn’t apologized to either Jones for her lashing out, but neither of them were strangers to being slaves to their emotions.

She didn’t need to apologize in words right now, they were her family and they understood.

She leaned against the doorframe of the trailer and crossed her arms over chest. “What can I do for you, F.P.?”

“We got a new recruit. Thought you might be interested in seeing him through the trials?”

It was something that she had done for many Serpents, including Jughead. She was an unofficial facilitator of sorts. Both a tutor and a source of encouragement, but perhaps most importantly, she was able to discern whether or not a recruit was harbouring any doubts. She was good at reading people, she always had been.

She gave a small nod in the affirmative and F.P. stepped aside to reveal a boy. He was certainly no older than seventeen. He was as tall as Sweet Pea and as skinny as Jughead, but with rather delicate, almost feminine, facial features, and very pale skin. He wore dark jeans and a dark hoodie underneath a dark, heavy jacket. His jet black hair was neatly combed to the side, and honestly, he looked a little too put together to be looking to get into the Serpents. He didn’t scream “Northsider”, but he wasn’t a familiar face either.

She tilted her head to gesture behind her. “Come on in, Beanpole.”

F.P. chuckled as he turned to walk away, trusting the hopeful, would be young Serpent to her.

The boy closed the trailer door behind him as she moved to the kitchen to make coffee.

“Want a coffee?” She called softly, running a hand through her hair and fighting a yawn.

The voice that responded was meek and mild. “Yeah, sure, thanks.”

“So what’s your name kid?” She asked as she brought him a mug.

“Daniel.”

“And what’s your story, Dan?” 

Daniel stayed silent as he stood near the door and awkwardly accepted the cup of coffee. He looked down into the steaming, black liquid before he raised his head and glanced around the small trailer. “What’s your story?” He countered stubbornly.

She chuckled as she folded herself into the armchair in the corner so that he was still in her direct line of sight. “Nice try,” she quipped. “So you wanna be a Serpent?” 

 

_“So you’re in a gang,” Cheryl began curiously, “and they’re called the Serpents?”_

_Toni chuckled silently as they lay next to each other on her bed. She tried not to get too distracted by Cheryl’s fingers on her ribs, tracing the very tattoo that signified the deepest bond in her life, but it was terribly difficult. She felt her entire body jump every time the redhead’s long fingernails dug into her skin just a tad more deliberately._

_“Yeah, I am,” she answered honestly. “Have been since I was fifteen.”_

_“What’s that like?” The gorgeous girl asked excitedly._

_“Probably not as exciting as you think,” she grinned. Cheryl pouted, actually fucking pouted, and Toni couldn’t stop herself from leaning in to kiss her. “But I do have a motorcycle.”_

_Cheryl hummed, a grin slowly spreading across her face. She continued to trace the snake tattoo on her ribcage, beneath her black sports bra, as she tangled their feet together. “That’s very hot,” she breathed huskily._

_Toni opened her mouth, to say what she wasn’t sure, but she was interrupted by Cheryl’s mouth on hers. The taller girl rolled her onto her back, one hand still on her one and only tattoo, and the other in her hair. The brunette whimpered and gripped slim hips. “I’m appealing to your rebellious side, aren’t I?” She teased through hungry, stirring kisses._

_“Completely,” Cheryl sighed._

 

“Yeah, I do,” Daniel answered quietly. He had finally taken a seat on the couch. “I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

Toni simply nodded. She had felt the same exact way when she had petitioned F.P. Jones to join the Serpents. With an ailing grandfather that she loved dearly, but did not have the capacity to take care of her, and an uncle that barely had the decency to leave his trailer unlocked at night, she had seen the Serpents as the only way to ever belong to a family. A real family that would love her no matter what, and support her, and always have her back.

“You’re a Serpent by blood, right?” He asked.

“Yeah,” she responded with a nod. “My grandfather was one of the founding members.”

“Cool,” he muttered. He chewed on his bottom lip, seemingly debating something, before he spoke again. “My older brother is a Ghoulie,” he confessed. “But I-I don’t want to be like him.”

So that’s why he didn’t look familiar to her. He had grown up on the Southside, that much was clear to her in just the way that he spoke, but he hadn’t grown up on Serpent territory. She wouldn’t have seen him running through the trailer park as a child or playing on the nearby playground. 

A Ghoulie by blood, very interesting.

“You know everyone is going to make this really hard for you?”

Crossing gang lines on the Southside was unheard of, and unpredictable. The boys were certainly going to make life rough for him. They wouldn’t trust him and it would take the kid a lot more than the trials to earn their trust and respect. He would have to prove himself worthy like no other.

Not to mention the possible repercussions from the Ghoulies once they saw one of their own in a Serpent jacket.

“Yeah, I know,” he sighed loudly.

“And F.P. knows?” 

He just nodded.

He looked around the living room, and she watched him carefully, wondering what exactly he was looking for. She tensed when she saw his eyes drawn to the box of photographs that she had taken from her old apartment. The box was sitting near the coffee table, within his reach. The frame that was on the very outside, the one most visible to prying eyes, was the black and white one. Her very favourite. Cheryl looking over her shoulder with those big, brown eyes and that pretty smile and that sculpted jawline.

The way that she stared and sat in silence didn’t deter him from answering the inevitable question. It had been a decade since she had been a teenager and teenage boys still weren’t the brightest.

“Who’s the girl?”

The brunette instinctively clutched the chain around her neck. “I’m supposed to be learning everything about you, not the other way around. I’ve already completed my initiation.”

He either didn’t take the bluntest hint ever, or decided to ignore it. “She’s important to you.”

She was irritated by his line of conversation, but the fact that he wasn’t jumping right to “that’s your dead wife, isn’t it?” made her realize that he didn’t actually know anything about her. Or Cheryl. Or about her _and_ Cheryl. And she liked that.

“Yeah,” she finally whispered.

 

_“They’re important to you, huh?” Cheryl asked as she sat with her back against the headboard and flipped through a stack of old photos that Toni kept in her bedside table._

_Toni closed the closet door after finding a warm sweater to crawl into and then she joined Cheryl on the bed. “Who?”_

_Cheryl turned to her with a smile and an expression that screamed ‘duh’. “The Serpents obviously. There are so many pictures of you and all these rowdy boys.”_

_She dramatically fell onto her back and grinned. “My boys!”_

_Cheryl’s hand fell to Toni’s thigh, like it was natural for them to be in constant contact. “You were a cute kid,” she stated with a bright smile._

_Toni didn’t even try to fight back a broad smile in return. “Thank you.”_

_Cheryl returned to looking through the photographs in her hands, snippets of Toni’s childhood, and Toni looked up at her thoughtfully. They weren’t even officially an item and yet they had spent almost every moment together since their first date. Lounging around her trailer, and talking, and a lot of not talking. Somehow, it didn’t feel too early for her to be talking about the Serpents and handing over some of her most precious memories._

_Everything with Cheryl just felt different._

_“What are you thinking so hard about?” The redhead asked in a whisper, her eyes never leaving the photo she was looking at._

_“Your impeccable jawline,” she lied with a laugh._

 

“It’s important that you’re serious about this,” Toni started as her and Daniel took a walk around Sunnyside Trailer Park. She had pulled on a pair of jeans and a beanie to fight the crisp fall air, and had suggested a walk as a way to get out of her trailer. “If you go through with this, people are going to be willing to die for you so you need to be sure that you are too. If you can’t say yes to that, then we can’t start this.”

“I’m serious,” he responded, with just a hint of teenage petulance. “I told you about my brother,” he mentioned after a pause. “He wants me to be a drug runner. It might be naïve and stupid, but I want my life to be more than that.”

She replied quickly, “It’s not stupid.”

He scuffed the toe of his booth as he asked, “So, what do you do for a living?”

“Well.” She tilted her head and scrunched up her nose. “I was a photographer.”

“Ah, the photos,” he spoke in realization. “ _Was_?”

“I haven’t sold anything in a while,” she answered honestly. “So _was_ it is.”

They did a wide loop around the trailer park and he waited to speak again until they were back to her home. She leaned against her motorcycle while he took a seat on her steps. He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket and wordlessly offered her one. Despite the temptation, she shook her head and watched him smoothly flick his lighter.

“It has to do with the girl doesn’t it?” He asked after he had taken his first drag of the cigarette.

“What does?”

“The _was_ ,” he supplied perceptively.

Toni chuckled to herself under her breath and scratched the end of her nose. Perhaps Daniel was a little smarter than she had initially given him credit for.

She pushed herself off of her bike and headed towards her car.

“Hey,” Daniel called as he jumped to his feet. “Where are you going?”

She didn’t answer his question, but she did say, “I’ll tell F.P. you’re ready for the first trial!”

 

_Cheryl leaned back against the trailer door and bit down on her bottom lip, her eyes looking at Toni and searching for something. “Is this weird?”_

_“What?” Toni asked eagerly as she hooked both of her index fingers through the belt loops of a pair of high waist jeans that Cheryl had borrowed._

_“That I don’t want to leave?”_

_Toni shook her head with an irrepressible smile on her face. “No, because I don’t want you to go.”_

_She had never met a girl so gorgeous, so intelligent, so sensational._

_“My brother hasn’t stopped calling me,” she sighed. “I should really get home and put his mind at ease.”_

_Toni took a step closer so that their bodies were flush once more, and she nudged Cheryl’s nose with her own so that she could tilt her head for a kiss. “Yeah,” she whispered between kisses. “You should really get home.”_

_Cheryl whined and followed her mouth as Toni slowly pulled away. “Not fair,” the redhead murmured._

_Toni laughed softly, but she had no qualms about pressing the girl against the trailer door and kissing her harder. Cheryl’s hands slipped underneath the back of her sweater and held her in place. Knowing that Cheryl wanted her just as much was an incredibly powerful feeling, and one that spurred on the eagerness of her kisses._

_“What if you just stayed one more night?” Toni bargained breathlessly. “And called your brother to let him know where you are?”_

_Cheryl nodded repeatedly before joining their mouths again, and Toni wondered if this was what falling in love felt like._

 

Toni walked into the New York City gallery with even, measured steps. She knew that it would be empty, as it was just before closing, so her boots echoed more unnaturally than usual. She adjusted the black beanie on the top of her head as she glanced around at the current exhibit – some kind of abstract paintings. It wasn’t her cup of tea. Cheryl would love it.

She walked further into the gallery and eventually, the sound of her steps alerted the gallery’s only occupant to her presence.

Veronica Lodge, dressed in a lovely black dress and her mother’s pearls, spun around and faced her with a stunned expression.

“Toni Topaz,” she stated in awe before she moved as fast as her expensive shoes could carry her.

Toni couldn’t fight off her hug even if she wanted to. She melted into her friend’s embrace and wrapped both of her arms around her back.

Veronica pulled away with a laugh, but Toni could see the unshed tears shimmering in her dark eyes. “You know,” she began with a grin that was a tad forced. “I adore this whole Courtney Love thing you’ve got going on, but it’s really good to see you.”

“It’s really good to see you too,” she answered honestly.

“I assume you heard my messages?” Toni nodded and Veronica took her hand to lead her to her office in the very back of the gallery. “Come on, let’s talk.”

They reached Veronica’s office and settled on the leather couch. Toni noticed that Veronica did not sit very far away, giving her security in the physical proximity.

“How are you?” The dark-haired girl asked softly. The question was unavoidable so it may as well be out there.

Toni considered her words very carefully. She was still angry, bitter, ill-tempered, lost, depressed... There was no good way to answer without an emotional outburst, so she went for concise and truthful. “I am… here.”

Veronica smiled sadly. “And I’m so glad.”

Toni cleared her throat and spoke before Veronica could say something else that was genuine, yet entirely sappy. “And how are you?” She countered.

Veronica, clearly used to handling that inquiry with much more grace than her, spoke in a clear voice. “I miss her. I miss her a lot. I can’t stop looking at the photographs of yours that we have here. I want to show them off,” she said determinedly.

The Serpent shifted on the sofa and crossed her arms over her chest. “Veronica,” she sighed. “I don’t know… I… I’m not the same person I was when I took those photos. They’re not me anymore.”

“You don’t have to be that person,” she offered supportively. “You can let the photos tell the story.”

Toni stared down at her lap as she pondered that idea. Could she really do that? Could she walk into this gallery and see her most important work on display and feel so emotionally disconnected? Or even worse, could she look at those photos and feel that array of confusing, messy feelings rushing back? The particular series that Veronica wanted to showcase was emotional for a lot of different reasons, and not just because of Cheryl. There were other people and relationships involved. She didn’t want to hurt anybody, and she didn’t want to hurt anymore.

She could just avoid all of that by saying no, and yet…

“Can I have a day or two to think about it?”

Veronica eagerly nodded. “Yes, of course. Why don’t we get brunch tomorrow? Just the two of us.”

Toni accepted her offer with a genuine smile. “I would like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter has a filler quality to it, but I tried to connect the flashbacks in a subtle way, and those flashbacks in particular are important for the next chapter!


	5. Part V – Let Me Photograph You In This Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni debates whether or not to attend the opening of her first solo photography exhibit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some of my favourite flashbacks. Enjoy!
> 
> Chapter song: When We Were Young - Adele

**Part V – Let Me Photograph You In This Light**

_Everybody loves the things you do_   
_From the way you talk to the way you move_   
_Everybody here is watching you_   
_'Cause you feel like home_   
_You're like a dream come true_

 

Toni swallowed her bite of toast, the crumbs felt like large, sharp daggers to her throat, but she swallowed it down with determination. She wiped the edge of her mouth before she responded to the unbelievable statement that Veronica had just uttered over what was supposed to be a pleasant brunch.

“You and Archie are engaged?”

Veronica nodded, a sad smile gracing her face. “Yeah, we are. I wanted to tell you, but everything…”

The smaller woman nodded in understanding when Veronica neglected to finish her sentence. “I get it.”

She didn’t want to rub her happiness in her face. It was a thoughtful idea.

She shouldn’t really be surprised, it’s not like Veronica and Archie were a new couple. They had been together for years, longer than Betty and Jughead, longer than her and Cheryl. Veronica, however, had always been very clear that they needed to have two separate, successful lives before they eternally joined.

“He wants to get married in Riverdale, of course,” Veronica prattled on as she half-heartedly paid attention. “But the location options are certainly limited. The ballroom of the Five Seasons has an opening next month, but—”

“Wait,” Toni interrupted. “Next month? Didn’t you guys just get engaged?” She would have imagined that Veronica Lodge would want much more time to elaborately plan.

“Not exactly,” the dark-haired girl admitted sheepishly. “Archie proposed over the July 4th weekend.”

Toni’s mouth twitched in recognition. “Oh. July. So just after…?”

“Yeah,” Veronica sighed. “It made me realize that I didn’t want to wait anymore. I love him and I always want to be with him.”

Toni nodded as she pushed her scrambled eggs around on her plate. She should be happy, extraordinarily happy for her friend, for Cheryl’s friend, and yet, she just felt bitter. “What about that thing that happened between him and Betty?” She asked in a mumble.

Veronica leaned back in her chair and defensively crossed her arms over her chest. “That was a long time ago,” she shot back.

“And it doesn’t bug you?” She questioned with a tilt of her head.

Toni was playing dirty; she knew that it still bothered Veronica, even though she refused to acknowledge it. Cheryl had spoken of it frequently.

“Do you ask Jughead these questions?” Veronica retorted in annoyance. Toni said nothing and Veronica eventually took a deep breath. “I know you’re only getting under my skin because you’re hurting,” she spoke quietly. “It’s the same thing Cheryl would do.”

The Serpent felt tears sting the back of her eyes but she refused to cry in a goddamn restaurant. “I am happy for you, Veronica.”

“I know.” She grabbed her purse before she said, “I have to meet a client so I have to go.” She sighed again as she stood, and paused for the briefest of moments, before she leaned down and kissed Toni’s cheek. “I love you, and I will see you when we wow the world with Antionette Topaz’s first art show.”

“I’m not going by Antionette!” She called out to the departing city girl.

Veronica just waved, and she couldn’t help but smile to herself.

 

_Toni nervously chewed on her bottom lip as she gazed at her girlfriend from across their small kitchen table. Cheryl was scrolling through her Twitter account, drinking her morning coffee, and looking impeccably beautiful as always. As hard as she tried, Toni couldn’t put the smallest, most fleeting comment from last night out of her head. Cheryl had dropped the big m-word in passing and her heart had not stopped beating like a stupid hummingbird since._

_“You wanna get married?” She finally blurted out._

_Cheryl finally raised her eyes and looked at her with a sly smile. “I hope this is not your way of proposing,” she teased. “I was expecting something far more glamourous.”_

_A flush spread across Toni’s dark skin. “I guess I’m just testing the waters.”_

_The redhead gently laid her phone face down on the table and leaned forward. “I’m fairly confident that my parents have the most toxic, unhappy marriage in the entire state of New York, and somehow I still want to get married, yes.” She reached across the table and laid her hand on top of Toni’s. “What about you?”_

_Toni used her response to try to play it cool, fully knowing that Cheryl could see right through her. She shrugged and mumbled, “Being married to you doesn’t sound so bad.”_

_Cheryl rolled her eyes as she gracefully got to feet. She pressed a quick kiss into brown, pink tinged locks as she made her way to the sink._

_“Then I’d be entitled to half your fortune, right?” She called with a laugh._

_“I’m already your live-in muse,” Cheryl retorted. “You can’t have both Miss Topaz.”_

 

When Toni returned to her trailer after brunch, she found Daniel sitting on her rickety steps smoking a cigarette, and looking absolutely miserable.

She got out of her car with a loud, genuine laugh. “Danny boy! How’s the beast?”

The dark-haired boy stared at her with a moody, disgruntled expression. “He has no boundaries.”

Toni laughed again, she remembered Jughead using those same exact words. “It’s tradition!” She exclaimed happily as she maneuvered around him to unlock her door and step inside her living room. The teenager followed her in the door, like she knew he would, and she flopped down onto the couch. “The first trial is just a warmup,” she spoke more seriously, “enjoy it.”

Daniel took a seat beside her and ran a hand through his long hair. “So where were you?”

“Having brunch with a friend in the city,” she answered honestly.

That answer seemed to have quelled his curiosity, and for some reason, she continued to talk. 

“Some of my photos are going to be given a showcase, in three nights, and I don’t even know if I want to go.”

“What?” He asked with a furrowed brow. “Why not? That’s so cool.”

Toni reached into the cardboard box at her feet and pulled out the photo that had caught Daniel’s attention during their first meeting. She gently ran a hand over the dust that had accumulated on the frame and smiled. “Because they’re mostly photos of _her_ ,” she answered truthfully.

“Shit.”

Despite his apt reaction, Toni continued to smile to herself as she stared at the photograph in her hands. She had remembered saying once, early into her burgeoning photography aspirations, that she only took photos of beautiful things. Cheryl had been effortlessly easy on the eyes and an absolute dream to photograph. The girl certainly could have made a career out of modelling if she hadn’t been so focused on school and corporate life.

Especially early in their relationship, when her infatuation had been at its highest, her artistic eye had certainly been drawn to the redhead. 

The very photos that had finished Veronica’s favourite collection. 

 

_Toni bit down on her bottom lip to stifle a groan as she leaned against the doorframe of her bedroom and watched the redheaded girl flip her hair to one side so that she could successfully clasp her black bra. She spun around, in matching black, lace underwear, a necklace being the only other thing she was wearing, and shot Toni a mischievous grin._

_“Spying on me?” Cheryl asked with a tilt of her head, and in a way that was completely intoxicating._

_“Yes,” she answered immediately._

_Toni had always had a fair bit of game, something she never failed to tease her all male friend group about, and she knew that she was attractive, but she wasn’t sure how she had convinced this drop-dead gorgeous, walking fantasy to go out with her. She couldn’t quite get over all of Cheryl’s stunning features – the length of her legs, her fair skin, her long, natural, auburn locks, her plump lips._

_“Keep looking,” the siren muttered as she sauntered towards her. “I like it.”_

_The brunette chuckled as she reached out to brush the tips of her fingers along Cheryl’s bare abdomen. “I think you’re used to getting attention from whoever you want.”_

_Cheryl hummed and leaned in to kiss her softly. “Whomever,” she corrected._

_Toni couldn’t even roll her eyes at the pretentious moment because Cheryl was holding her face with both hands and kissing her thoroughly._

_“Can I photograph you?” Slipped breathlessly from between her lips._

_The question had been on the tip of her tongue since their very first conversation._

_Cheryl arched an elegant eyebrow. “Kinky,” she rasped._

_Both of Toni’s hands fell to Cheryl’s hips and she tossed her head back with a laugh. “Not like that, well not unless you want it to be,” she amended quickly, “I’ve actually sold a few photos, nothing really impressive, but I’m trying to turn it into something. And you’re just so…” She paused to play with a strand of long, red hair. “Breathtaking,” she finished almost inaudibly._

_Cheryl looked at her thoughtfully, almost analytically, before she smiled happily and bounced on the tips of her toes. “I think you’ve picked an excellent debut model.”_

 

“You have to go,” Daniel nagged her as she wiped down the bar top of the Whyte Wyrm.

“What are you even doing in here?” She groaned. “You’re a child.”

Of course she was entirely ignoring the fact that she had practically grown up in this bar.

“Annoying you apparently,” Daniel teased. “And making sure you go to your own art show.”

Toni raised her head and flashed him a stare that had scared off many boys in her young life. “You should really be home watching Hotdog, it being part of your initiation and all.”

He brushed aside her bravado. “Hotdog is fine. I haven’t even been gone for that long.”

She spun around with a huff and busied herself arranging liquor bottles on the shelves. Wannabe Serpent Daniel wasn’t the only person that had been insisting she commit to her own event. She had spoken to Veronica several times on the phone only to dodge questions such as “what time will you be arriving?” and “what do you intend to wear?” She made herself feel better by acknowledging that she had agreed to the showcase; she had never agreed to be a participant. She could just be one of those notorious recluses, the ones that were just so “into their work” that they had the strangest habits and lifestyles.

She knew that Veronica had sent out invitations to all of their mutual friends, and she was just waiting to hear about this from one of the Joneses.

And at the end of her shift, like clockwork, a Jones appeared out of the darkness of the back of the bar.

“Do you and your father ever get tired of your own predictably?” She quipped as she slipped into her leather jacket.

Jughead chuckled and laid a very recognizable charcoal grey bag on a nearby stool.

They both stared at it, silently.

“I noticed that you didn’t take this from your apartment,” he finally murmured. “So I did, because I knew that you would want it again. Eventually.”

Toni approached her old camera bag cautiously. He was right, she had deliberately left it at her old apartment. Feeling uninspired and unmotivated, she hadn’t imagined being able to take a photograph that she truly cared about ever again. A camera phone would certainly do for anything in the future. She wasn’t a professional photographer anymore.

She unzipped the bag and pulled out the top of the line Nikon that had been practically attached to her at one point in her life. This camera, and all of its accessories, were not cheap, and she handled it with the care and precision that it deserved. The weight felt familiar in her hands, natural.

“Like maybe when you see your exhibit,” he continued warily. “It will make you want to work again.”

“Ah,” she sighed, “you too.”

“We’re all going to go,” Jughead stated.

And she knew who the ‘we’ referred to.

“So if you decide to go too, just know we’ll be there.”

She continued to fiddle with the camera and Jughead took that as his cue to leave.

 

_Toni grinned as she looked up at her overexcited wife. She was sitting on the floor of the living room, next to the Christmas tree, while Cheryl was standing with her hands pressed together underneath her chin._

_“I just want to say, before I give you your gift,” Cheryl began with a wide smile. “That I want this to say how much I love you and believe in you.”_

_“I know that, babe,” Toni responded softly. “You didn’t have to get me a fancy Christmas gift to say that.”_

_Cheryl pouted dramatically. “I needed to do something nice because you’re so good to me.” Cheryl finally retrieved the mysterious gift from underneath the tree and sat down next to her on the floor. She placed a quick kiss on her cheek and finally gave her permission to open it. “Okay, go ahead.”_

_Toni peeled off the wrapping paper slowly, until the nicest, and surely most expensive, camera that she had ever seen was revealed. “Cher,” she gasped in awe._

_“Is that one okay?” Cheryl asked nervously. “I’m not exactly an expert. If it’s not, we can return it for anoth—”_

_Toni interrupted her with a firm kiss. She held her wife’s chin between two fingers and kissed her repeatedly. “Thank you,” she muttered between kisses. “Thank you so much. No one has ever gotten me something like this before.”_

_She knew that no one had ever believed in her work and her talent the way that Cheryl did, but it was a different thing all together to see the physical evidence right in front of her. It was almost overwhelming._

_Cheryl smiled, almost in relief, and nuzzled against her cheek. “I’m so glad you like it.”_

_“I love it actually.” She frowned before she said, “I can’t believe I got you books and records in return.”_

_The redhead quickly lifted her head and looked at her sternly. “Hey, I love those gifts!”_

_But there was really no comparison. How do you repay someone for giving the gift of following your dream?_

 

Toni was dressed and ready to leave. Her hair was pulled up into a messy, but styled up-do. She was wearing a simple, yet elegant black dress and black heels. Her makeup was natural, nothing was overdone, and Cheryl’s wedding band was still around her neck on an old silver chain.

She was dressed and ready to go, but actually making it into the city was an entirely different task.

She sat on her sofa and smoked a much needed cigarette. She really, truly did not want to go. She knew that everyone that she cared about was already on their way – Sweet Pea had sent her a Snapchat of the very snazzy suit that he had rented for the occasion. But right now, the event that she had been dreaming of her entire life was the one place that she did not want to be.

She did not want cheers and accolades, strangers vying for her attention, and flutes of champagne right now.

And yet, she couldn’t stop thinking about what Cheryl would say.

She would be mad, of course. She would call her petulant and childish. She would tell her that she was being sullen and broody, and that there was only room enough for one tortured artist in their lives and Jughead had held down that spot for years. 

And she would be proud. Overwhelmingly proud. Dressed to the nines and grabbing her hand to pull her out the door.

Toni sighed as she put out her cigarette in an ashtray she had found pushed under the sofa. It went without saying that this night would be so much easier with her wife. Her wife that had always been so supportive, encouraging, and loving, and had never let her get crushed under the weight of expectation – and had inspired half of the freakin’ exhibit.

She just wanted to walk into that art gallery tonight and feel the weight of Cheryl’s hand in hers.

Even months later, it was hard to come to terms with the fact that she could never have that ever again.

She took a long, deep breath as she shakily got to her feet. She smoothed down the wrinkles in her dress before she made her way to the door and grabbed her Serpent jacket off of the nearby hook.

“Suit up and show up,” she muttered to herself.

And then she was out the door.

 

_Cheryl slowly opened her eyes and spotted her sitting on the end of the bed with her camera in hand. The redhead groaned, rolled over onto her back, and pulled the thinnest bed sheet up over her head. “Babe, stop,” she rasped._

_Toni didn’t say anything, but the familiar click of the camera shutter echoed around the room._

_“Babe, stop,” she repeated._

_This time she just chuckled._

_The shutter flickered again and Cheryl moved to sit up in the bed, holding the sheet to her bare chest. She pushed her long hair out of her face and shot a withering look that looked more like a sleepy, forced snarl of a kitten._

_Toni thought that it was incredibly cute._

_“I thought we got past this stage, TT?”_

_She grinned and took another snap. “I will never stop taking pictures of you. You know that you are far too beautiful.”_

_“Well,” she began to change tactics. “As true as that is, I am not going to kiss you until you put that thing down.”_

_Toni quickly laid her camera down on the other side of the bed and crawled towards her wife. She leaned in to place a kiss on Cheryl’s collarbone and the redhead wrapped her arms around Toni’s shoulders in return._

_“So beautiful,” she muttered._

_“Someday I’m going to follow you around with a camera,” Cheryl teased, “and see how you like it.”_

_Toni moved to kiss her on the mouth. “Someday, when a photograph of you sells for thousands of dollars, you’ll be happy with me.”_

_Cheryl laughed loudly and pulled her down on top of her. “If that happens then yes, I will be very happy.” They kissed heatedly before she added, “And you will have to buy me a very nice present.”_

_“Done,” Toni grinned._

 

The opening night of her showcase was a resounding success. It had been cheers and accolades, strangers vying for her attention, and flutes of champagne exactly as she had anticipated.

Now that it was over, and the only people that remained in the building were her closest friends (her family), and the cater waiters, all that she could do was sit on the floor and stare at the very last series of photos. She kicked off her heels and held her glass of water to her chest. She could see her boys – Joaquin, Sweet Pea, Fangs, and newly acquired Daniel – out of her peripheral vision, but they seemed to understand that she needed a moment to herself.

To digest.

She sat in the very middle of the wall and looked at the series with new, fresh eyes. Photos of Cheryl, to her right, looking alluring, and gorgeous, and intimidating, and untouchable, and everything else she was in the flesh. And to her left, photos of Jughead looking lost, and lonely, and angry, and every bit the pariah he had painted himself as when he was younger.

Because that was the aspect of this exhibit that had made her the most apprehensive. It wasn’t just that these photos were drudging up memories of the dead love of her life; these photos also brought her back to a weird summer.

The July when she had felt heartbroken over her best friend Jughead Jones, and then promptly knocked off of her feet by Cheryl Blossom.

This exhibit told that story.

She felt someone sit beside her and she slowly turned her head to find the wholesome girl next door, Betty Cooper.

“Hi,” she whispered sweetly.

Toni instantly screwed up her face in apology. She had hated Betty back then but the present was an entirely different story. “I’m sorry, Betty, I hope that this,” she gestured to the large photos in front of her, “doesn’t—”

The blonde cut her off with a firm shake of her head. “Don’t apologize, Toni. They’re beautiful. This exhibit is beautiful, and those feelings were so long ago. Besides,” she added with a giggle, “he looks really good in these, doesn’t he?”

Toni laughed, “He does.”

There was a significant lull in conversation and Toni was surprised when Betty grabbed her hand and squeezed it. She didn’t say anything about how she didn’t need to shut people out anymore, or that she could talk to her if Jughead was being too overbearing. A girl that she had once seen as a rival and one that had gone to her apartment to retrieve something for her to wear to Cheryl’s funeral, didn’t say anything. She just held her hand.

Their peaceful silence was interrupted by the familiar _click-clack_ of Veronica’s heels.

“We’re sitting here?”

Betty nodded and confirmed, “We’re sitting here.”

Toni smiled as they were slowly joined by Archie at Veronica’s side, Jughead at Betty’s, and then all of her Serpents. She couldn’t heal without help, and these were her people, she needed them. Every single one of them. She had been spiralling, her entire worldview had essentially changed overnight, but so had theirs.

Someone else’s had too, and as much as she loathed to admit it, maybe she couldn’t heal without him either.

She had to talk to Jason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now you know why Betty hadn't appeared until now. I had to save her for a moment! Let me know what you think!


	6. Part VI – Both Sides Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni struggles with the reality that she didn't know Cheryl as well as she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These flashbacks are not happy. :(
> 
> Chapter song: Both Sides, Now - Joni Mitchell

**Part VI – Both Sides Now**

_Tears and fears and feeling proud_  
_To say "I love you" right out loud_  
_Dreams and schemes and circus crowds_  
_I've looked at life that way_

_But now old friends are acting strange_  
_They shake their heads, they say I've changed_  
_Well something's lost, but something's gained_  
_In living every day_

 

Toni sipped her coffee as she watched Veronica demurely dodge New York City traffic. She reached the newsstand across the street and waved today’s edition of the _New York Times_ in triumph. Toni flashed her a smile from their outdoor table at the restaurant before she returned to her breakfast. 

Veronica had insisted on taking her out so that they could read the first reviews of her exhibit together.

The dark-haired woman returned to their table, just a tad out of breath, and Toni continued to occupy herself with the food in front of her as Veronica rifled through the paper.

“So,” she spoke tentatively, “what’s the verdict?”

Veronica shook out the paper with a flourish before she directly quoted from the review. “ _July_ is a painfully beautiful walk through the story of two contrasting relationships, one at its end and the other at its beginning.” She cleared her throat and gingerly laid the newspaper on the table. “You should read the rest of it. It’s a rave.”

Toni just nodded as she sipped from her cup of coffee. “I don’t know if I can sell them,” she confessed.

Veronica nodded understandingly. “Maybe we can try selling to a private collection, as a set?”

“Maybe,” the Serpent muttered. She looked down the street thoughtfully before she reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out a lighter and a cigarette. “You know,” she began after she lit up, “I can still hear her voice as if she was sitting right next to me.”

Veronica just looked at her, that sympathetic expression that she had grown used to seeing as she grew more comfortable talking about Cheryl. People often didn’t know what to say when they wore that expression.

Toni reached into her pocket again, this time to pull out Cheryl’s cellphone. She laid the phone on the table and pushed it towards Veronica with the tip of her index finger. “I can’t unlock it,” she sighed. “And I feel like I’ve tried everything.”

Veronica furrowed her brow before she said something that felt an awful lot like the elephant in the room. “Cheryl could be secretive.”

Toni had never wanted to admit it, but it was true.

 

_“What was it like? Growing up Blossom?”_

_She had meant for the question to be a lighthearted one, but the way that the expression on Cheryl’s face transformed told her that it was anything but._

_“I don’t want to complain,” she said as she looked up at the ceiling. “I grew up on an_ estate _. I went to one of the best boarding schools in the country. I turned out okay.”_

_Toni looked at her in concern as she shifted closer to her girlfriend on the bed. That kind of flippant statement caused her great unease. She knew that Cheryl was broken; God, she could see it in her eyes, but she hadn’t uncovered the source of her hurt yet._

_“That’s something people say when they’ve been through a lot of shit,” she muttered._

_The redhead turned to her and offered a weak smile. “Yeah,” she sighed. “My parents,” she started after a pause, “aren’t the warm and fuzzy types. My brother and I weren’t always on their list of priorities.”_

_“Then what was?” Toni questioned softly._

_Cheryl raised her hand so that she could absentmindedly pick at her long nails. “Bloodlines and bank accounts. Jason and I are reflections.”_

_The dark-haired girl leaned in to place a kiss on a pale cheek. Cheryl didn’t speak of her parents very often, only in snippets, but it had always been enough for her to piece together that a great relationship did not exist between them, and whether Cheryl admitted it or not, it weighed on her._

_“I’ll always be here for you.”_

_Cheryl’s smile broadened and she reached out to grab Toni’s hand. “I love you, TT.”_

_Toni knew that she had never smiled so widely in her entire life._

_It was the first time that either of them had said those words out loud._

_So it was easy for Toni to forget that Cheryl hadn’t really answered her question._

 

Toni took a deep breath before she walked into the beautiful head office of Blossom Maple Farms. It was not comparable to the feeling that she had gotten when she had walked into their old apartment, but there was something in the air that was distinctly Cheryl.

Maybe it was the red furniture. Maybe it was the hint of the smell of maple syrup that seemed to attach itself to anything associated with the Blossom family. Maybe it was the sign behind the front desk that proudly displayed the company slogan – _"Have Some Syrup with that, Ma'am!"_ Maybe it was remembering all of the times that she had popped into this office just to bring her wife lunch and a kiss.

“Miss Topaz!” The girl sitting at the front desk exclaimed in shock.

“Hey Angela,” she responded with decidedly less enthusiasm. “I’m here to see Jason.”

The frazzled receptionist nodded repeatedly. “He doesn’t have any meetings until after lunch. You can go right in… you’re-you’re on the list to go right in… you can always just…”

“Go right in? I got it.”

Angela nodded, “Yes.” She paused before she added, “I’m so sorry. We really miss her around here.”

Toni was surprised by the sincere smile she offered in return. “Thank you.”

She walked past the reception area, the big conference room, and a few of the smaller offices, until she reached what she had always referred to as the swanky offices – the ones of the CEO and COO. Jason and Cheryl, respectively.

At first it had all been mildly intimidating, to realize that she was dating an heiress to a multi-million dollar company, and one that had every intention of taking over the global family business. She had met Cheryl towards the end of her undergrad, when she had already started training to take over the position of Chief Operating Officer in the very near future. With a determination to do it better than anyone else ever had. 

It had been intimidating at first, and then a complete and total turn on. Toni had always found intelligence, drive, and ambition incredibly sexy. 

She stood in front of the large oak doors to Jason’s office and knocked once, firm and steady. She heard a muffled voice and she took that as permission to enter. Jason, from behind his desk, only glanced up at her when he heard the sound of the door closing behind her. He looked even more startled than Angela, if that was possible.

“Toni,” he said as he slowly got to his feet.

She decided to bypass all the awkward small talk and get right to the point. “Maybe you’re right.”

He tilted his head in confusion.

“Maybe I didn’t know her as well as you did.”

He pursed his lips, but he didn’t disagree. “It was different with us, you know that. All we had was—”

“Each other,” she filled in. “Yeah, I know.”

Toni had resented it a little at first, the amount of time that Cheryl spent with Jason and the fondness in her voice when she spoke of him. But then she got it – the love that they didn’t get from their parents, they found in each other. It was an unbreakable bond, and one that was entirely separate from their relationship. Toni was sure that she still didn’t fully understand it. 

Toni stared at her hands as she spoke, not able to look him in the eye. “We both have this big void because we lost this irreplaceable person, and I dunno,” she shrugged, “I just, I wanna talk to you about her.”

Jason was silent for what felt like an inexplicable amount of time. She could hear him sigh, and shuffle papers, and then sit back down in his chair. “Cheryl and I grew up on twin mythology,” he finally spoke. “Apollo and Artemis, the sun and the moon, but all that I can think about is Castor and Pollux.”

Toni lifted in her head in interest.

“When Castor dies,” he continued, “Pollux gives up half of his immortality so that he can be with his brother.”

She frowned when she could hear, and feel, the emotion in his voice.

“I have a wife, and I have children. I have people who need me and yet I’ve never felt so alone.”

Toni’s expression softened as she watched the male Blossom dissolve into tears. Ever since they had lost Cheryl, she and Jason had been locked in this silent, ridiculous battle over who was hurting more, who was missing her more. It was selfish and foolish.

“You’re not alone,” she finally rasped.

He frantically wiped his eyes. “It was never supposed to happen like this,” he continued.

“No,” she agreed, “we deserved more time.”

Jason eventually gestured towards the seat in front of the desk and Toni slowly moved to sit down. As expected, Cheryl was all over this office as well. There was the drawing that she had done when they were four, the one he had mentioned at their old apartment. There were half a dozen framed photographs on the bookcase behind him. Blossom family photos and ones of just the two of them at several different ages. There was a frame on his desk that she grabbed to look at just a little closer – a picture of the twins on their 23rd birthday.

Toni remembered that blue dress. She remembered that night very clearly.

 

_Cheryl’s voice followed her as she walked through the door of their apartment._

_“You haven’t spoken since we got in the car. What’s wrong?”_

_Toni bristled, and she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, as she moved further into the apartment. She was not speaking for a reason. She was not speaking because she was afraid of what she might say. Her temper ran fast and hot, just like Cheryl’s. They both had wild tempers; it was the reason that they rarely fought._

_“Baby,” Cheryl cooed, “talk to me.”_

_Toni took a deep breath in through her nose before she slowly turned to face her wife. Cheryl looked gorgeous, of course she always did, but there was something about her elegant, royal blue dress and perfectly curled hair, a family heirloom hanging around her neck, that made her look flawlessly stunning. And, in this case, it further fueled her temper._

_Because right now Cheryl looked like money, and Toni had never known how to act around money. Something she never seemed quite able to forget._

_“Why do you keep introducing me as a photographer?” She finally asked in exasperation._

_Cheryl stared at her in confusion. “Because you are.”_

_The brunette rolled her eyes. “I tend bar, Cher. I’ve sold a handful of photographs.”_

_“So,” Cheryl argued with a smile still on her face. “That doesn’t change the fact that you’re uber talented. The great success will come.”_

_Toni gritted her teeth. She just wanted to hear the real reason why Cheryl did little things like that – called her a photographer, not a bartender. Always insisted on buying her new outfits for these events. Tried to stick by her side at all costs when they were out and there were other Blossoms around. She needed to hear it out loud._

_Cheryl sighed at Toni’s silence and eventually said, “You know how our family friends are. In my world sometimes it’s easier to tell people what they want to hear.”_

_“And there it is,” Toni replied somewhat triumphantly. But her voice also held an air of defeat. “_ Your _world. It doesn’t matter how long we’ve been together,” she said with a shake of her head, “it will always be your world and I’ll always be on the outside.”_

_“Toni,” the redhead exhaled._

_She stopped the argument with a wave of her hand. “I’m not mad at you, Cheryl. I just need some space right now.”_

_She just needed some time and space to brood. Jughead always preached about being an outsider in this world, no matter how nice and welcoming everyone seemed. She tried to argue with him, but he was right. It would never be_ their _world. She would always be the girl from the wrong side of the tracks, figuratively and literally, and being in love didn’t change that._

 

“What are you thinking about?” Jason asked to interrupt her thoughts.

Toni laid the photo back on his desk before she answered. “We were so different, and I just ignored it because I loved her so much, but now I can’t help but wonder what didn’t I know about her?”

The fact that she couldn’t unlock her wife’s cellphone was really getting to her.

Jason reached into one of the top drawers of his desk and pulled out a tennis ball. “Come on,” he said as he stood up. “Let’s go to the roof.”

Toni looked up at him, entirely puzzled. “What?”

“It’s something Cher and I used to do.” He walked towards the door with a tilt of his handsome head. “Come on,” he repeated with a boyish grin.

She followed him without any further argument. They walked to the stairwell at the end of the hallway and all the way up until they reached the exit for the roof. They walked to the edge of the structure until they could see the hustle and bustle of New York City traffic below. Toni pulled her Serpent jacket tighter as a cold wind whipped through the air, and Jason seemed completely unfazed. He simply began to rhythmically bounce the tennis ball against the concrete.

“So why did you come up here?”

He turned to her with a small smile. “Whenever Cheryl and I had a decision to make, or something that we couldn’t agree on, we would come up here and bounce this tennis ball back and forth. If you didn’t have an idea then you couldn’t pass the ball, whoever got caught holding lost.”

Toni scoffed, “Leave it to two Blossoms to turn everything into a competition.”

Jason chuckled, “It’s how we did our best thinking.” He mindlessly bounced the ball as he muttered, “She was so much better at this than me.”

“Well, she had a MBA from Columbia,” Toni smirked.

“And I have a Philosophy degree,” he finished.

“Yeah,” the brunette laughed, “you’re lucky one of you got the brains for business.”

Jason laughed as well. “We didn’t just talk about business up here, you know?”

Toni leaned against the edge of the roof in intrigue. “You talked about me?”

“Of course,” he answered immediately. 

“And she may have not told you everything,” he continued seriously, “but you knew her. Don’t doubt that. Blossoms keep secrets. It has nothing to do with you.”

Toni sighed and scuffed her boot on the ground. Somehow, that didn’t make her feel any better.

They talked for a little while longer before Toni finally turned to leave. It was getting cold and she had places to be. She had reached the exit door when she heard him call her name.

“Yeah?” She asked as she spun on her heel to face him.

“Are you ever going to give me that shirt back?” 

She glanced down to see that she was wearing the Columbia t-shirt again. “No,” she replied with a smirk.

And she was happy to see that Jason grinned back.

 

Toni left Jason and headed straight for the grief group meeting. Jason claimed that he had too much work to do to attend today, but perhaps he was granting her a reprieve and a bit of time to think.

However, as soon as she walked into the school gym she spotted someone else that she knew.

Reggie Mantle. Riverdale born and bred, but a guy that she hadn’t spoken to in years. He was one of Archie’s friends, a fellow Bulldog, so she only knew him by association. When it was his turn to share, he spoke of his father who had recently passed away.

“He was an asshole, but he was still my dad, ya know?”

She related to that a lot more than he knew.

Still, when she got up during the break to get her shitty cup of coffee, she was surprised that he approached her.

“Hey Toni,” he greeted with his goofy smile.

“Hey,” she replied dully.

He shook a sugar packet as he awkwardly shifted his feet. “Really sorry about Cheryl. I was floored when I heard.”

She nodded and muttered a thank you. She appreciated that he was confronting the issue right away and not dancing around it like everyone else, she just didn’t have the energy to maintain small talk. “And I’m sorry about your dad,” she returned.

She wanted the conversation to end there and yet, somehow, he got the idea that she wanted to continue.

“I just can’t imagine how you feel. My dad, it was sudden, but ya know, not the same thing,” he stumbled, “and you two, well, you were the perfect couple.”

Reggie continued to yammer on and Toni blocked it all out. She was too focused on the word perfect.

_Perfect._

Cheryl absolutely abhorred that word and Toni finally understood why. Just as she was beginning to think that she didn’t even know her wife at all – couldn’t even figure out the password to her fucking cellphone – perfect was the very last word that she wanted to hear. 

“Nothing’s perfect,” she muttered before she unceremoniously tossed her coffee in the trash and left the gymnasium.

 

_Cheryl awoke with a shriek and Toni, who sat reading in the chair by the window, turned to her in concern. “Cher, are you okay?” She asked softly._

_She slowly sat up in the bed and ran both of her hands through her long auburn hair. “Yeah,” she answered after a long, deep breath. “I’m okay. It was just a nightmare.”_

_Toni played with the edge of the book in her lap as she fought the furrow of her brow. “You have nightmares a lot,” she pointed out quietly. It was the most significant thing that she had noticed since they had moved in together._

_Cheryl nodded in agreement. “I’ve had nightmares my whole life.”_

_The smaller girl slowly closed her book and made her way over to the bed. She sat next to Cheryl and brushed away some wayward strands of hair. “What are they about?” She was questioning to comfort, but she was also curious._

_The redhead dodged the question when she tossed the bedcovers aside and climbed out of the bed. “I need a glass of water.”_

_Toni suppressed a sigh. “Cheryl.” She called her name as she followed her into the kitchen. “You can tell me.”_

_“I know,” she answered quickly. “I just can’t right now.”_

_“Do you think you’ll ever?” She asked fearfully._

_Cheryl turned around to face her after she poured herself a glass of water. When she spoke, Toni knew that she was telling the truth. “I want to.”_

_They stood in the kitchen and just stared at each other until Cheryl made a move to return to the bedroom. Along the way, she placed a kiss to the top of her head and whispered, “I love you.”_

 

Toni was not surprised when she was unable to sleep that night.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Perfect.

It was incredibly odd to her to have revelations about her marriage now that it didn’t exist.

Cheryl kept secrets. Cheryl kept her away from every member of her family that wasn’t Jason. Cheryl hated answering direct questions that held unpleasant answers. Cheryl had a past that she didn’t like to talk about.

She agonized over all these things as she smoked on her front step.

Sunnyside Trailer Park was quiet and dark, and the figure of Jason Blossom was entirely out of place. He had been the first call when she had gotten desperate for human contact because she knew that he wouldn’t ask why. He would understand.

And he didn’t want to be alone either.

He found the space to sit beside her on the rickety structure, and he gladly accepted the cigarette that she offered. Even though he knew the answer, he asked, “Can’t sleep?”

She took a deep drag from the cigarette between her fingers and shook her head. “Not that I’ve been getting a lot of sleep anyway.”

After a pause he said, “After you left today, I started to think about the first time she told me she knew she wanted to be with you forever.”

Toni turned towards him so fast that she almost fell off the steps and onto the ground. “She what?” She asked breathlessly.

Jason smiled at her, knowing that she needed to hear something like that. “It was when you found her in the hospital, when our Nana was sick.”

The brunette nodded slowly. “I remember. That was…” 

“Ten days after you met,” Jason finished, still wearing a smile. “Yeah.”

Toni stared at him in shock. Cheryl had never told her that.

“She said she had never met anyone that saw right through her walls like you. She liked it. Shockingly. She loved that she didn’t have to act around you.”

Toni flicked the butt of her cigarette to the ground and hid her wide smile in her hand. She knew what the password to Cheryl’s phone was now.


	7. Part VII - As The Room Burned Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni finally listens to the unheard messages on Cheryl's phone.
> 
> Flashbacks, from Cheryl's perspective, show the last few weeks of her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really proud of this chapter, but it was not an easy one!
> 
> Chapter song: Dancing With Our Hands Tied - Taylor Swift. I prefer the acoustic version!
> 
> Trigger Warning for mental health struggles.

**Part VII – As The Room Burned Down**

_I, I loved you in spite of_  
_Deep fears that the world would divide us_  
_So, baby, can we dance?_  
_Oh, through an avalanche? And_  
_Say, say that we got it_  
_I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted_  
_Oh, 'cause it's gravity_  
_Oh, keeping you with me, I–_

_Could've spent forever with your hands in my pockets_  
_Picture of your face in an invisible locket_  
_You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it_  
_I had a bad feeling_

 

Toni sat on her bed, her back against the wall, with Cheryl’s phone in her lap. She stared at the still locked screen with an overwhelmingly amount of apprehension? Anxiety? Excitement? It was an emotion that was hard to label.

What was easy to label was the fear that she felt at the idea that she still, even after her conversation with Jason, didn’t know Cheryl’s password.

She slowly keyed in those four numbers – that date in July – and sighed loudly in relief when it faded to the home screen. She instantly clicked on the phone icon and scrolled through the list of missed calls. She saw her own name, several times, but there were also calls from Jughead, Blossom Maple Farms, Thornhill, Veronica, an unknown number, and Jason.

She opened the voicemail and the first voice that washed over her was her own.

 

_Hey baby! I’m going to Brooklyn to take some photos! I’ll see you when I get back. Love you._

 

Cheryl Blossom’s daily routine began with her alarm ringing at 6AM. She kissed her exhausted wife on the top of the head and slid out of bed as gently as she could. She went for a run in the park. She returned to her apartment to shower, primp, and decide on a fierce outfit befitting of an executive. She stopped at the nearby coffee shop to order her regular – almond milk latte – and then she headed to the office.

Her routine.

Every single day.

“Good morning, Angela,” she spoke as she breezed into the office in four inch heels. Perfectly polished. Perfectly focused. Perfectly Blossom. “Can I get those quarterly projections on my desk, please?”

Angela responded with a bright smile and an eager nod. “Absolutely. Right away, Miss Blossom!”

Cheryl nodded back, and strutted, head held high, to her corner office. She closed the door behind her and laid her shoulder bag on her desk before she moved behind her chair to stare out her floor to ceiling window and sip her coffee.

This was one of her favourite parts of the day because she could pretend that everything was so _still_ , and small, and insignificant.

Looking out through the glass at the city below, it made her feel like a princess in one of the fairy tales that the nannies would read to her and her brother. It reminded her of the romance novels that she had grown up reading, desperately clinging to the idea that there was someone out there for her. She had always thought of Thornhill as the dark, foreboding castle that she would be rescued from. By a handsome knight on a strong, sleek horse.

Well, her liberator turned out to be a girl just as broken as her and she had grown up to build a castle all on her own.

She whirled around at the sound of a knock on the door. Angela opened the door enough to poke her head inside, and she smiled widely. “I have what you asked for, Miss Blossom!”

Cheryl returned the smile with all the energy she could muster.

 

_Hey baby! I’m back and you still seem to be out. You must be in a weird spot for service. I’m thinking pasta for dinner. See you soon. Love you._

 

Cheryl walked through their apartment door; she promptly shed her jacket, hanging it on the coat rack, and plucked her heels off of her feet. She moved further into their home, heading towards the bedroom, and she could hear Toni anxiously following on her heels.

“You’re not going to bed, are you?” Toni asked in annoyance.

The redhead began to tug at the zipper on her dress as she stepped into their bedroom. “I’m tired, TT.”

“It’s Friday, Cher, everyone is tired. You’ve barely been responsive all evening.”

Cheryl slipped out of her dress and walked into the closet to hang the garment up. She knew that Toni was right. They had gone to dinner at Betty and Jughead’s and it should have been a rather fun, raucous affair with couples, and Serpents, and wine, and she barely said a word, emitted a laugh, offered an expression. She was just so _tired_ of the formality of pretending to be interested.

“I have a demanding job, Toni,” she offered quietly. She didn’t even need to see her wife’s face to know that that was not an acceptable answer in this moment. She spun around to face her with an exasperated expression. “I’m not always in the mood to appreciate Jughead’s dark, pointed humor, excuse me.”

Toni rolled her eyes dramatically. “He gave you a compliment, Cheryl.”

She fired back quickly, “It was a crack about nepotism and you know it!”

Toni ran both of her hands through her hair before she took a step forward, joining Cheryl in the closet. “Why do you do that? Why do you analyze _everything_ anyone says to try to figure out how it’s secretly an insult? Not everyone is like that you know. Not everyone speaks Blossom.”

It was a dig in itself, albeit the truth, but it was the last thing that Cheryl needed to hear.

Toni seemed to realize that immediately, as she pushed past the brunette and sat on the bed. They were actually having a fight while she was in only her underwear and it was the last thing on her mind.

“I’m sorry,” Toni eventually spoke as she moved to sit next to her on the bed. “I thought being around our friends and family might make you feel better.”

Cheryl remained silent and Toni inched closer to her on the bed.

“I thought therapy was making you feel better?” She asked tentatively.

“It is,” Cheryl confirmed with a nod. 

“And you’re not having nightmares as often anymore,” Toni continued, “so your new medication must be working?”

Cheryl nodded again. Her therapist had recommended that she try some anti-anxiety medication and, after a few months, they did seem to be working. She _did_ feel better. Therapy _was_ helping. And she wouldn’t have taken that step without her wife.

And yet…

“I just want to go to sleep,” she whispered.

 

_Okay, babe. I’m actually starting to get really worried now. Can you please, please, please call me back? Love you. Bye._

 

Cheryl leaned back on the rather comfortable sofa and crossed one leg over the other. No matter how many of these sessions she attended, she could never begin the conversation.

“So,” her perky therapist began with a smile. “How are you?”

“I am,” she sighed, “overwhelmed at work. It feels like we’re making a critical decision every day, dealing with sponsors and board members, advertising, running the pros and cons of an IPO.” She continued listing work troubles and she could see her therapist’s head tilt in interest. “What?”

“Do you think your medication is still working? Are you feeling anxious right now?”

Cheryl ran a hand through her long hair and shook her head. “No…well, maybe a little…”

“Does everything about work make you anxious?”

She considered that question very carefully. Not everything about work made her anxious, but everything about work did remind her of her family legacy, and _that_ made her incredibly anxious and irritable, and sparked nightmares, and made her want to withdraw.

“No,” she answered after a long pause. “I have JJ.”

“Right, your brother.” She jotted something down on her ever present notepad before she asked, “Have you thought about taking a vacation?”

Cheryl promptly scoffed, “What would I do on a vacation?”

“Relax?” She asked with a laugh. 

The redhead shifted on the sofa. “I don’t think I know how to do that. What would happen at work?” She asked rhetorically.

Her dark-haired therapist pressed her pen to her lips before she spoke again. “Cheryl, what about not being in control frightens you?”

Cheryl awkwardly looked around the bland, stereotypical therapist’s office. She liked being in control because she was smart. She liked being in control because she was good at it. She liked being in control because it was practically her birthright. Growing up, her parents would tell her over and over, especially when she was upset, “You’re a Blossom. You are in control of your emotions.” Control correlated with respect, and stability, and power. 

Control may as well be the Blossom family motto.

But she knew the answer to that question.

“What if people realize that they don’t need me?”

 

_Baby, where are you? Did you even bring your phone with you? Jesus Christ._

 

She kind of took her therapist’s advice. She took a pseudo-vacation. She told her brother that for two weeks she would not be coming into the office every day, and for some days she would only come in for a few hours. She had to physically keep herself from walking out of her apartment and towards the office at times.

It was a rough transition. It was tough to relinquish complete control. It was hard to break her routine.

She spent her free time running and drawing. She visited her niece and nephew. She went to early morning yoga. She tried new recipes. She reorganized her collection of books.

And it was certainly relaxing. She felt lighter.

Maybe she could actually do this whole vacation thing.

 

_Hey Blossom, it’s Jones. Can you do me a favour and call your wife? She’s fruitlessly worrying again._

 

Cheryl stood over her sofa as she sipped from her mug of morning coffee and stared down at her unexpected guest. He was sleeping, very deeply, and she nudged his foot in an effort to wake him.

After a third prod, he sat up violently and squawked when he opened his eyes and they fell on her. “Jesus, Cheryl,” he exhaled when he calmed. “I thought I was having a nightmare for a second.”

She arched an eyebrow and grinned. “I’m in your nightmares? Well I’m honoured, Sweet Pea.”

He scoffed and ran a hand over his face to wake himself up as he sat up straighter and shifted the blanket atop of him. “You’re the scariest person I know, Red.” He pressed a palm to his forehead and groaned, “Jesus, my head hurts.”

She rolled her eyes as she breezed into the kitchen to retrieve a bag of frozen vegetables from the freezer. She returned to the living room and tossed him the bag in her hand. “Your headache probably has something to do with that shiner on your face. I hope it was worth it,” she said as she sat on the edge of the coffee table and stared at him with one of the expressions that she knew he hated.

He winced when the ice touched his face. “How mad is Tiny?”

“She glared at you as she left, and the slamming of the door didn’t wake you.”

“Shit. I’ll explain it to her later. Fuckin’ Ghoulies.”

“There’s always a Ghoulie,” she pointed out sternly.

“Well that’s what happens when you’re gang rivals.” He stated the obvious with a roll of his eyes, which was effective even underneath the bag of frozen peas.

“And yet I’m never playing nurse for Toni, or Jughead, or Joaquin anymore.”

He didn’t have a response for that, and he shifted his large frame on the sofa. She had been trying to get him to see that he just loved the fight for a long time. She just didn’t want his realization to come after the idiot went and almost got himself killed.

“What do you want to do with your life, Pea? Really?” She asked in frustration.

“We can’t all be born into a career,” he bit back. “Some of us have to work for it.”

She brushed off his insult. “If you want a job, I’ll get you a job.”

“Christ, Cheryl,” he groaned. “I don’t need your charity, and I definitely don’t need a lecture.”

She sighed and rose to her feet at the same time that a knock sounded on the door. “I called Jughead to pick you up.”

Jughead stepped into the apartment with a scowl and Cheryl greeted him with a fake, overexaggerated smile. “Jones, welcome to this episode of intervention,” she joked.

Sweet Pea grunted as he clumsily stood up and grabbed his Serpent jacket, which had been discarded on the floor. He left the apartment without anything else to say, leaving an annoyed Jughead behind.

“Thanks for calling, Cheryl,” Jughead exhaled.

“No problem. I tried,” she shrugged. Jughead offered no response, he was just as tired as she was, so she changed the topic of conversation with a smirk. “How is the new novel coming along?”

He instantly scowled. “I have unparalleled writer’s block.”

“Well,” she began as she tilted her head. “You can always write about me. Toni always finds me particularly inspiring.”

Jughead chuckled, “I definitely don’t want to think about the ways Toni finds you inspiring.”

 

_Hi Miss Blossom, it’s Angela! Just calling to confirm your ten o’clock meeting tomorrow morning._

 

The second week of her pseudo-vacation _dragged_. It became a monotonous routine of getting up, taking her medication, running, and drawing. She didn’t feel that pull to go into the office, but she didn’t exactly feel a pull to do anything else either.

Whatever lightness she had achieved had disappeared.

She was drawing – she wasn’t exactly sure what – by the window when Toni came barrelling into their apartment.

“Baby!” She called loudly in excitement.

Cheryl raised her head with a chuckle. “I’m right here. What is it?”

Toni turned to her with an infectious grin, and instead of answering her question, Toni skipped towards her and leaned down to give her a firm, hungry kiss. The brunette pulled away, grin still in place, and Cheryl looked up at her with fluttering eyelashes.

“What was that for?” The redhead eventually asked in a whisper.

“Well,” Toni began, “sometimes it’s really hard not to kiss you. But also! Veronica’s gallery wants to give me a showcase!”

Cheryl jumped to her feet, her sketch pad falling to the floor, and she shrieked in delight. “That’s unbelievable, babe!”

Toni was so excited that she was practically dancing. “It’s crazy. It’s totally crazy.”

Cheryl reached forward and cradled Toni’s face in both of her hands. They kissed again and Cheryl murmured against her mouth, “I’m so proud of you.”

Toni pushed Cheryl back towards the sofa but they were interrupted by the ringing of Cheryl’s phone, the ringtone that she used for her brother. 

 

_Hello Cheryl, it’s your mother. Your attempt to freeze me out is childish and beneath you. I expect to see you for dinner on Sunday with your brother._

 

Cheryl got comfortable on the sofa in her brother’s office as she listened to him prattle on about the fight that he had just had with Polly. Exhausted, she interrupted him in a quiet voice, “You have unrealistic expectations about your relationships with women, even your wife, because mother and Nana Rose let you get away with everything when we were little.”

Jason turned to her with an expression of disbelief and amusement. “Did you get that from therapy?”

She nodded in confirmation. “I get a lot of things from therapy. They totally altered our lovemaps, JJ. We’re not wired right.”

He crossed the room so that he could join her on the couch. He sat on the opposite end and pulled her feet into his lap. “Is this why I keep getting hounded from mom and dad saying that you won’t return any of their calls?”

Cheryl ignored the question and remained silent.

Jason took a deep breath before he spoke again. “I know you always had it way worse than I did, Cher, and I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay, JJ,” she whispered, “you did what you could, and I got past it. Look at us now, in charge of the very company that means so much to Daddy.”

“Redefining what this company values,” he grinned proudly.

It was the line they had been repeating since Jason had assumed the role of CEO and, from strictly a strategic point of view, it was working.

“And what does it value? What does it mean to be a Blossom? Because historically it’s cruelty, decades old grudges, and general snobbery.” She paused and stared at her twin brother, who was looking at her with so much concern that it made her heart ache. “But you’ve always been resilient, JJ. You’re going to do great things.”

“So are you, Cheryl,” he responded automatically. 

She smiled faintly and took her twin’s hand to give it a gentle squeeze.

 

_Bombshell, it’s V! We need to get drinks soon and catch up! And also talk about your talented wife’s stellar photos. Talk soon!_

 

Cheryl held in a groan that desperately wanted to escape as she stared at her wife’s back. She ran both of her hands through her long hair and tried to compose herself. She spoke in as steady of a voice as she could. “Toni, I don’t enjoy fighting with you. It is not something that I take pleasure in.”

Toni shook her head as she laid her mug in the sink, and the sound reverberated throughout the entire apartment. “Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it’s not necessary at times.”

“Can you just…?” Cheryl approached her tentatively and placed a hand on her shoulder, but she quickly shook it off. “Can you just look at me, please?” She requested softly.

Toni firmly shook her head and she had to grit her teeth so that she didn’t say something that would escalate the situation. Her wife could be so stubborn sometimes. Cheryl wrapped an arm across her chest and held her, whether she liked it or not. When Cheryl kissed the top of her head, she finally felt her relax.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you too,” Toni responded immediately. “But I don’t like it when you keep secrets from me.”

“I’m sorry, it was not my intention.” She kissed the top of her head again before she added, “I was with JJ at the office.”

The brunette raised her hand so that she could wrap her small palm around her wife’s pale forearm. “You scared me,” she confessed.

“I’m sorry,” Cheryl repeated. “I didn’t mean to. I never want to scare you.”

When Toni spoke next, it was so quietly that she almost didn’t hear her. “I don’t know what I would do without you, Cher.”

Cheryl quickly spun her around and placed a kiss on her forehead. “You never have to worry about that,” she spoke seriously. “I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.”

 

_Babe, seriously, if you’re ignoring me I am going to lose my mind. I… oh shit! Someone is calling me…_

 

Toni moaned loudly and squeezed Cheryl’s shoulders as she rode her wife’s fingers, frantically chasing her orgasm. Cheryl pushed dark hair away from her face and coaxed her closer to the edge. Toni whined and trembled, and leaned down for a desperate kiss. The redhead held her cheek and kissed her back; her thumb moving to press a little more insistently against her clit.

Toni came with a cry, quickly followed by a smile. Her eyes closed as she caught her breath and Cheryl watched her in awe. Her wife was so pretty.

The brunette hummed before she leaned down to kiss her once more. “I love morning sex,” she mumbled. 

Cheryl chuckled as she wrapped both of her arms around Toni’s waist. She knew that her wife liked morning sex because it was unplanned and spontaneous, something outside of Cheryl’s usual rigid schedule. She also liked it because she loved seeing Cheryl fresh-faced and natural, before she got the chance to apply any makeup.

“You’re welcome, baby,” Cheryl teased.

Toni laughed as they kissed again. “Your turn.”

Cheryl grabbed both of Toni’s hands and shook her head. “I don’t think that’s going to happen today. I’m okay.”

Toni shifted off of her and cuddled into her side. “Are you sure?” She asked with a frown. “Are you okay?”

Cheryl nodded, a tad reluctantly. “I’m okay. I think it’s just my medication. I’ve been feeling a little…” She trailed off and made a wave like gesture with her hand, hoping that would explain it.

Toni continued to frown as she looked down at her from her position on her side, propped up on her elbow. She placed a quick kiss on her mouth before she spoke. “I wish I understood this better, Cher, what you’re going through.”

“It’s hard to explain,” she whispered.

“Good thing you’re so amazing with words,” the brunette joked.

Cheryl laughed as well, but didn’t offer a response.

When Toni spoke again it was in a much more serious tone. “Just tell me what I can do, how I can help. Anything.” She kissed her again before she added, “Even if it’s giving you some space, which I don’t want to do, but I will, because I love you so much.”

“It might be what I need,” Cheryl admitted regretfully.

“Okay,” Toni exhaled, and Cheryl could see her eyes begin to glisten with tears. “I can do that.”

 

_Cheryl… Cheryl… God, I don’t even know why I’m calling. So stupid. I think I just needed to hear my sister’s voice._

 

“I couldn’t sleep the other night and I just laid there thinking about how absolutely horrible I was when I was in high school. I was a truly cruel person, and I was aware of it. I took pride in it, I wore it like a badge of honour.”

Her therapist shifted in her chair and looked at her thoughtfully. “And why don’t you want Toni to know? Why can’t you tell her this?

“Because she met me when I was this confident, focused person. I wasn’t an insecure, mean girl anymore. I don’t want her to see that side of me.”

“You don’t want her to see that hurt?” She prodded.

Cheryl firmly shook her head. “No, because she doesn’t get it. She’s been through some truly awful things. She really has, with her parents and her family, and the Serpents, but this… this is different.”

“What makes it different?”

And Cheryl said it out loud for the first time in her entire life. Her biggest secret.

“My parents sent me to conversion therapy for the first time when I was fourteen.”

And even her trained, professional therapist could not mask her look of utter shock.

“Every day that I spent in Thornhill was a living nightmare.”

She had spoken enough of her parents that she didn’t need to elaborate further. She had opened up about being ignored, and belittled, and criticized, and punished – all things that she could accurately label as abuse now.

“Toni is the first person that saw _me_ and liked me,” she continued. “The first person that’s never wanted something from me. I could never,” she spoke determinedly, “tell her that.”

“Cheryl,” her therapist began in a tone laced with exasperation, but also hopefulness and optimism. “You have to give someone the opportunity to love you, all of you.”

Cheryl tried to nod as she looked down at her lap.

 

_I was thinking about when we were seven and I tried to climb that really large maple, the one at the north end of the property? Even though you told me not to. And of course I fell, and broke my arm… You were always looking out for me, even when I didn’t want to hear it. Nobody else does that for me, not like you did._

 

Cheryl walked into the office of the new, on the rise photography magazine with all the confidence and bravado that she brought to her work meetings.

She liked to make an impression after all.

The magazine’s editor, who honestly looked like an eighteen-year-old with a part-time job at Hot Topic, gulped when he saw her. He wore a ratty band t-shirt and jeans, he had pierced ears and his forearms were heavily tattooed, and he had the faintest amount of facial hair littering his jaw and upper lip. He almost leaped out of the chair behind his desk and wiped his palms on his jeans.

“You’re Cheryl Blossom,” he stated incredulously.

“I am,” she confirmed. “And you are?”

Even though she knew exactly who he was.

“I’m Taylor,” he replied eagerly. “We spoke on the phone. Can I get you a water or a coffee or anything?”

“I’m fine, thank you,” she answered as she primly sat in the chair in front of his desk.

He sat down as well and stared at her with a wide grin. “So, those photos you sent me are dope. Are they yours?”

“No, they’re my wife’s.”

He wasn’t fazed or surprised by her declaration of sexuality, he just continued to smile, like a dopey puppy. “Well, they’re tight. Are there more?”

“Yeah,” she replied tentatively.

“Well I wanna publish ‘em!”

Cheryl smiled in satisfaction, knowing that this was the best surprise that she had ever orchestrated. Along with Veronica’s plan to host a showcase at the gallery, she was well on her way to making all of Toni’s dreams come true.

 

_Hey! It’s Taylor! I got the files but I haven’t heard from you. Gimme a call!_

 

As soon as Toni answered her phone, Cheryl could hear the noise of the Whyte Wyrm in the background.

_“Hey, baby!”_

“Hey,” Cheryl smiled to herself. “Sounds like a busy night.”

 _“It is,”_ Toni confirmed with a groan. _“And it’s strange, I don’t know who half these people are.”_

The redhead frowned to herself before she asked, “So that probably means you’ll be home later than usual?”

_“Yeah, baby. I’m sorry. Don’t wait up for me, okay?”_

“Okay.”

_“I’ll see you in the morning. I love you.”_

“I love you too,” she returned.

She ended the call and stared at the coffee table where she had laid out a second wine glass, just in case.

 

_So I went down to Sweetwater River today. We used to live down by that riverbank, Cher. It was our safe place. We’ve walked those trails along those cliffs hundreds of times. You’re a better swimmer than I am. I’m just trying to understand what happened since you can’t explain it to me._

 

Cheryl leaned over the side of the bed to place a kiss in Toni’s hair. She chuckled under her breath when her wife squirmed and sleepily groaned.

“Where are you going?” She asked in a husky voice.

“Riverdale,” Cheryl answered. She was in her running gear and ready for a change of scenery. “I’m going to run Sweetwater River today. I might even go for a swim.”

“I wanna come with you,” Toni said with eyes still closed. “Just let me sleep for a few more hours,” she added as she rolled over.

“You were up practically all night,” Cheryl smiled. “You need your rest.” She leaned down to kiss her again. “I love you.”

Toni’s face was in the pillow, but her voice was clear. “I love you too.”

 

_I want to believe this was an accident, Cheryl. But standing and looking at that river, I just… I don’t know._

 

Toni listened to all fifteen unheard messages, two of them hang ups, and as Jason’s final voicemail ended, his voice fading out and his words echoing around her brain, the phone dropped out of her hand.

She covered her face with both of her hands and began to cry.


End file.
